ten word poem (via bigideasinsmalltents)
But it does show that I’m healing
And you know what? It was really nice! I HAVE FRIENDS YES I DO!!! They all said that they were really pleased to see me and I was actually really pleased to see all them. I saw friends that I haven’t seen for months and months and months; I must admit I was so nervous. Nervous about being boring, nervous about them thinking ‘what is she doing here?!’, nervous because I’ve gained so much weight, nervous about them seeing all this weight gain and nervous about what they would think… I found myself definitely playing a character, acting as confident and loud and being silly… Well let’s just say Sophie’s a very silly girly! NOBODY commented on my appearance except to compliment me on my dress or my hair :’) because my weight or ‘fatness’ DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER!!!!!! I am so much more than a bunch of skin and bones and muscle and fat; I am Sophie, I am a person. I have friends and a life and things worth living for. One of my friends really touched me by saying how proud she was of me for everything that I am doing. She follows me on here so actually knows more than anyone in fact she probably knows pretty much EVERYTHING haha and she said to me that it’s so lovely to see me on an upward spiral. And you know what? It is!! I mean ED immediately popped up making me long for that downward spiral I don’t want to be getting better blah blah but FUCK YOU! I AM on an upward spiral. I am FIGHTING and that is STRONG I am not weak for recovering, I am not weak for wanting a life that isn’t ruled by these horrible thoughts and compulsions. It’s not weak for wanting to be free. Anyway I left early, earlier than I wanted to but I think that was good because I didn’t want to start hating it because I really wanted to be going you know? But so many people said that I need to come out more, they WANT me to come out more!! And you know what? I do too! It’s time I fought this silly being afraid of my friends attitude. They like me, they want to spend time with me. They aren’t scary for goodness sake!
This has been quite a rambling post, but I don’t know, I feel quite positive. I feel like I can see that there is so much more to life than THIS. I am someone without my ED I’m not quite sure yet, but I know that I don’t need it I don’t I don’t. I have a GREAT bunch of friends (YES I HAVE FRIENDS!!), people who LIKE ME, people who aren’t scary at all and people who I can speak to and laugh with and I won’t be leaving it so long before I see them all again.
Oh and can I just say that I ate a pint of B&J Cookie Dough when I got in… seriously why have I only just discovered this wonderfulness?!! NO REGRETS!!!!!!! Because what are calories anyway? Pfffft my life is worth more thank you.
Two hardest things about recovery:
- Realising you’re worth recovery
- Saying goodbye to the sick you.
It’s so tempting to go back to the sick you sometimes, even when you realise you’re worth recovery. Just when you start really recovering and making huge progress, you seem to secretly want to go back to how you were. It is very important that you ignore that and keep going anyway. Recovery is hard, but worth it.
I told Mum to hide the scales. I didn’t realise how bad I’d gotten with them “/ and I knew that I wouldn’t last the day let alone three bloody weeks. She got kind of annoyed that she has to hide them and said that she shouldn’t have to. I think she thinks that I should be able to resist the temptation. I guess because I’m am adult I shouldn’t have to have things taken away from me (in the same way that she won’t say no to me eating). ! I kinda felt a bit crappy, but you know what? No one weighs themselves anyway except me and if it really bothers Mum she can weigh herself when I’m at work or whatever. Hiding the scales is REALLY important for me and my recovery and I am allowed to be selfish in that respect.
I forgot to say, but I also gave K my stash yesterday. I cried.
I hope you don’t mind, but I have to publish this because I want to be able to remember this and look back on it when I need to.
Because I was completely terrified of seeing you. I know it’s stupid, but like I said to you - I was too embarrassed for you to see me. I spent so much time worried that you were looking at my huge face and just kept thinking about how much smaller I was when I last saw you, but you know what? What the FUCK does that matter?! You didn’t notice and you didn’t bloody CARE! Because we were just two friends excited to see each other and have a chat over a Cup of Tea (or two!!) and THAT is what is important here - FRIENDSHIP! You’re still my friend despite the fact I’m at least 15lb heavier since we saw each other last and you will be if I were to gain 15lb more!
Thank you so much for this message, I honestly cannot tell you how much it means :’) I love you Amy x x
You look healthy.
And by that I don’t mean you look fat.
I mean your face isn’t grey any more, the circles under your eyes aren’t so dark. Your lips aren’t cracked and dry and your hair isn’t thinning and brittle. I mean you seem more focused when I talk to you, You actually look at me and listen rather than being so unable to stay still or think about anything other than your illness that your eyes dart around the room and you nod manically the whole time I’m speaking. You seem calmer, stiller, quieter. You’re easier to have a joke with and you take things on board much more than you used to.
I mean you laugh now, you’re less serious. There’s life about you, it’s in your eyes and your smile, it’s in the way you speak and even in the way you go about your daily tasks.
You look healthy. You look happy. It really, really suits you."
WOW. Where do I begin? I have no idea. If I’m honest today has been a complete roller-coaster and an emotionally draining one at that.
As always I suppose I should start with my weigh in. No surprise of the outcome there +1.1kg YET AGAIN. I am now officially the highest weight I have ever been. I stood on the scale barely breathing as I watched the number rise, anxiously waiting for it to settle and when it finally did I was powerless against the sob that escaped when it was confirmed. An alien number; almost unreal. I fumbled around for my shoes and bag with clumsy hands, trembling as I proceeded to follow K to our little room to begin our session.
As I mentioned in my last update, we agreed last week that we would look at my body checking and I also mentioned that I had bought some pictures along with me (my journey if you like) which I’d written some notes on that might be useful for us to look at. K also asked if I’d like to address my Logs too which I was eager to do.
I was in tears before we even started; blurting out that I’ve been doing so crap. I’ve just been getting bigger and bigger and I’m now at my highest EVER weight, I’ve been eating SO MUCH, I’d binged this morning and I’d been seeing her since the end of November and I don’t feel like I’ve gotten any better. I just keep fucking up and binging all the time (something which embarrasses and confuses me when I think that my family used to beg me TO EAT and now I am begging to be able to STOP!!). Right away K was there to help me to see logically. She asked me to imagine that we had a little girl with us. How would we treat her? Would we plague her with horrible words and tell her that she wasn’t good enough? No!! What about if she was learning to tie her shoelaces? What would we do? We would encourage her and praise her efforts. We wouldn’t criticise her if she was finding it hard we would look to see what she was getting wrong and help her to rectify it. She asked me to say out loud ‘I am doing well’ but I couldn’t. I covered my face with my hands as a wave of tears fell, I couldn’t say it because I didn’t believe it was true. K told me that I must treat myself like that little girl. I don’t deserve all this criticism and horrible words and negativity. I am trying! - I attend every single session which is more than most people, I fill out my logs every day, and I am making an effort to fight. And I realised that I have been able to stop a binge, I have been able to fight the urge to hurt myself and I have been able to recognise some thoughts and patterns through filling out my Logs. I have done some good thing and they are important things to recognise.
She drew a little diagram – 3 Circles that are linked; Drive, Threat and Soothing. They are all things that we need to live – Drive to get out of bed in the morning and do things, Threat to make sure we are not eaten by a Lion, and Soothing to make us feel good and to develop our relationships etc. If one gets bigger, the others have to adjust to accommodate it and ideally we would like a nice state of equilibrium. At the moment it’s quite obvious that my Soothing circle is tiny. I NEED to be kind to myself because all of the negative self talk, constant criticism and meanness doesn’t help one bit! Especially this pressure I place on myself to be the best at everything and to be ‘perfect’. What is perfect anyway? It doesn’t even exist!!! It’s no wonder I find it hard to discover my identity when I am constantly criticising and telling myself that I am not good enough!
The next thing K looked at was the pictures I printed. I must admit there were quite a few (about 5 pages) and she commented that I take a lot of pictures of myself which made me feel rather vain, but I did explain that the majority of them were taken as posts of my blog – usually showing off my outfit for the day. Anyway, the first picture was my favourite picture of me and the Besties on the last day of College. I was happy. A normal girl with the usual insecurities about herself (she asked what I thought caused these, but I told her I’d never really thought about it) and it went on; Start of Uni, Mum’s Wedding, The start of my ‘Journey to Health and Fitness’ after 2nd Year, and on through 3rd Year, my 21st and ending around now.
We spoke quite a lot about how much living with the Sports Boys initially affected me. S, better known as Protein Boy was a MAJOR trigger in how I looked at food. To him carbs were BAD. He was a major protein junkie – powders and tablets galore in his room and his cupboards were filled with Tuna! And then there was me with my Supernoodle Sandwiches… He made me feel guilty for what I ate and I didn’t like to eat in my own Halls. I told K how I used to go down to Birdlip every night to have my Dinner there and thankfully after about 3 months I ended up moving into their halls and escaping the hell that I hated so much. This was definitely such a major impact on the way I started to view myself and my diet. It makes me sad to think that I allowed somebody to make me feel that way :/…
Another quite important stage was my eating habits at the end of Second Year during the last Semester when we had all our Show Weeks where I suddenly found myself binging. It wasn’t quite the same as now, but perhaps like a mild form (I don’t really know how to word it!) I know for certain that I had very strict calorie goals at that time and so it could have been a reaction to that, but K also directed me to the Circle Diagram and stress may have been a trigger, as well as a way to soothe myself. However, it was different in the fact that it only lasted a couple of weeks (actually just during those weeks). This was a big turning point though as it marks my descent into the world of health and fitness (the name was something I have created with hindsight – at the time I was just looking to feel better and eat better after all the bingeyness).
We saw that my logical brain sees my previous curves as nice and it knows that when I was ‘fat’ I was in fact HEALTHY! Although my unhealthy brain doesn’t want to look like that! I made comments about my ‘fat’ face and K seemed to find the whole concept of a thigh gap completely baffling (which it is!!) I mean my logical brain KNOWS this. I know that having a gap between your thighs is dictated by how wide your pelvis is blah blah and it doesn’t affect your worth one little bit, but again by unhealthy brain sees it as something that is desirable; an achievement? Perhaps. Despite a lot of negative comments, K was pleased to see that I had been able to write nice things too, my hair for instance! It used to be so BIG and full of life!! And I guess my hair is one of my favourite features as I have grown fond of my unique hair colour and bouncy curls! She encouraged me to focus on this. ‘They may have a thigh gap, but their hair’s CRAP!’ HAHA!
I was really shocked when she said that I was barely recognisable in the pictures from when I was really ill. BUT I found that I was able to engage my rational brain somewhat when looking at them. I wrote things like ‘Didn’t feel like I looked sick enough’, ‘I couldn’t smile’, ‘bulging eyes’, ‘lifeless’, ‘dead’. My unhealthy brain took over as I liked collar bones and crap like that. I even wrote ‘I couldn’t smile, I look dead, but at least my face wasn’t fat’. Although I feel a pull towards wanting to be ‘pretty’ and ‘delicate’ rationally I can see that I didn’t look good at all. My 21st Birthday for instance, I looked horrific; all skeleton arms, bony chest, bruised legs… What were the benefits of being like that though? I said I wanted to be looked after. Lots of things were happening at home, I had just finished Uni, I was now working full time, thrust into the big wide world expected to make something of my degree. It was time to grow up, to find a career and quite frankly I was feeling lost and I wanted someone to care about me. (Something I said was selfish of me, but (as K is always reminding me) understandable). This has also made me see that the reasons for my eating disorder have changed and as I have used it to cope with different things, although that will be something I can explore I am sure…
K had a quite read through my food logs and she pointed out a comment I made ‘Are these getting smaller?!!’ – directed at the binges – and she thought about it and looked and she agreed. They ARE getting smaller. Some of the lists I have written in the past have been frankly quite ridiculous and are something I am very ashamed of, but now they are changing and K even said that a few of them would be seen as SUBJECTIVE rather than objective which was amazing to hear!! She asked me why I thought this might be and I said that I have been eating more, I have been eating more regularly so that there has not been HOURS AND HOURS between me eating and it doesn’t so much get to the stage where I am completely DYING of hunger because I haven’t allowed myself to eat. My intakes have also been more balanced – yes hello Chocolate Bars!!! And so I have been going from complete extremes. Rather than being like this |—————————————-| it’s now like this |———————| does that make sense? It’s making me see even more so that I HAVE to allow myself to eat what I want. I HAVE to accept that my intake as increased considerably and I have to embrace this and properly plan and allow for this increase. (I’ve also found all this MM stuff so so inspiring and it’s made me even more motivated to eat more and to actually ALLOW myself to eat more. IT’S OKAY TO EAT WHEN YOU ARE HUNGRY, IT’S OKAY TO EAT 3000 CALORIES IF NOT MORE, IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR LOTS OF PEOPLE!!!! IT’S OKAY!)
Our final topic was body checking. It turns out that I do it a lot more than I thought and I do a lot of stuff subconsciously and there are even some things that I didn’t really realise! One of the big things is the mirror. I am ALWAYS looking. K asked me what’s helpful about the Mirror – hair, makeup and I also said I need it to see if my clothes match. She challenged this. Can’t I just lay it out on my bed? I started to try to explain, I need to see what the top looks like with the bottoms or to see what the jumper looks like with the dress because-…. Because I need to see how fat it makes me look… UNHELPFUL!!!!! We also spoke about me comparing myself to all the College Kids that come in all day and how I am so much bigger than all of them (K said that she doesn’t believe that for a second!) And if I was to compare every 5th person that I served I would see that the vast majority of people do not have a thigh gap, they are average size etc etc. And also when I catch myself comparing, I should also focus on the good things about me, like my hair and realise that I have better hair than some people!
I think I have probably got most of it down, at least I have written enough to remind me in the future anyway! Before we finished we set some goals for me… The Tape Measure is to be DESTROYED!!! And I will get Mum to hide the Scales. I WILL NOT WEIGH MYSELF. I WILL NOT! I wasn’t ready to make any changes with the Mirror and I think the not weighing is going to be incredibly hard in itself so I am happy with what I will be working on. I also MUST KEEP EATING MORE! (YAY! HEHE) A balanced intake is the way forward. And being assertive is good. If I have something planned, I don’t have to be a people pleaser. I can say no. Sometimes it’s best to say no (as I have seen this past week – eating some of a cookie that wasn’t planned triggered a binge, and eating one pancake because Mum persuaded me to on pancake day turned into 3 even though I didn’t want any pancakes because I was full and I’d already eating everything I had planned).
My next meeting isn’t until 26th March. I thought I was going to freak out. One week is long enough, two was REALLY BLOODY TOUGH, but THREE?!!!! Holy muffin :/ Unfortunately there’s nothing we can do as she has Uni and stuff so isn’t actually available for sessions etc. BUT she is the sweetest, most kind and thoughtful person in the world and she is going to phone me for a little check in next Thursday at 3:30 :’) I told her that I get extremely nervous talking on the phone but my goodness I would love her to phone me cause I would regret saying no lol! It makes me feel so lucky to have such a lovely therapist.
I really have rambled on enough. I don’t know if any of you have read this, but if you have thank you!
I saw it this evening and I just want to say thank you. I am so unbelievably touched that someone would do that for me :’) Thank you for your support, all of you x x x
Tomorrow is a new week, a new start.
Tomorrow marks the destruction of my tape measure, the hiding of the scales. It marks a fresh attempt at a balanced and adequate intake.
It marks an effort to be kind to myself and not beat myself up with negativity.
Everything else will be in the past and I will take it one day at a time.
Tomorrow is a new week, a new start.
I can do this
But right now I need to give this Ben&Jerry’s my FULL attention!