Hello (: I’m Sophie; a 22 year old Performing Arts Graduate (First Class BA Hons!) with unruly hair (and apparently a need to show off a little :P)! Welcome to my Blog!

I am a BIG lover of tea and biscuits and books. A perfectionist with a (sometimes unachievable) need to be the best at everything. I love clothes and shopping and rummaging around charity shops and I am in love with the idea of love, and like to think I am finally beginning discover the beauty of it myself.

I was diagnosed with Anorexia back in April 2013 during my last year of University after struggling with disordered thoughts and behaviours for the majority of my student life. It was something I struggled very much to accept at first - I couldn't possibly be anorexic! - but with time acceptance has come and in turn I have taken my first steps towards recovery. In September 2013 my Eating Disorder tipped itself on it's head as I began binging, or at least what I thought was binging. In reality, it was just my body finally breaking free from my 'control' and taking action to save me. It is something that I
fought long and hard against, resisting for many months, stuck in a relentless binge-starve cycle fuelled by self hatred and guilt. I'm not going to pretend that it's been easy. I, like anyone else, have my good days and bad days, but I am determined to win, to become happy and healthy and that is exactly what I am doing. I have made incredible progress and whilst I still have an awful long way to go, a feat that often seems impossible, I grow closer and closer each day.

My blog, then, is a collection of my thoughts, of my struggles and of my happiness. It’s a diary, an outlet some place for me to post whatever I want or need. If you have any questions, please ask, and if you don’t… please just say hello anyway 

I’ve found some dance classes I want to attend. I’m pretty sure they’re the same as what my best friend used to do!

I’m going to email the lady tomorrow and enquire into tap and ballet classes to see times and prices and if they’re suitable for adults. I’m pretty sure the website said there’s adult tap though. I’d really love to be able to finally do some dance again even if it does mean saying goodbye to my beloved hazelnut lattes from cafe nero :’)

I spoke to Adam for a couple of minutes

He told me that I need to tell him if I’m not okay. I need to text him back when he texts me when I’m not feeling good just so he knows. I promised him that I would.

Part of me wishes I could have spoke to him properly, but he’s been out tonight and has his mate with him. I feel much calmer now though and I’m going to crawl into bed and try to sleep.

Sorry for being annoying

I’m sat on my bedroom floor wrapped in my duvet. I can feel panic rising and I’m scared. I’m trying to remember techniques but I can’t. I dont know who to talk to because it’s the middle of the night and everyone is asleep and I should be talking to Adam but instead I’m crying and telling him that I don’t want to bring him down by confiding everything in him. He doesn’t deserve all of this horrible mental crap. He deserves so much more than this.

I need to try and steady my breathing but it’s hard. I need to try and be quiet but it’s hard.

My chest feels so tight

Anxiety is gripping me in a way that I haven’t experienced for a while. What is going on with me? How am I letting this happen? I feel sick.

I don’t know how I have the right to say I have no idea why I’m still gaining weight when I continue to overeat. I came home and ate 2 slices of toast with jam and 2 packets of crisps because I was hungry, but then I proceeded to eat over half a pint of ice cream maybe 2/3 maybe more even though it wasnt even that nice and I was done about1/4 of the way through.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014
"The only way out of an eating disorder is to go through recovery. Which often isn’t nice. Or pleasant. Or easy. But it is necessary."
I made this little guy after I posted. I texted Ruthie too and she helped me alot. I told her that I remember just thinking I want to be better and I thought that one day things would suddenly just be okay, but recovery isn’t like that at all and I just can’t shift this fear. Ive tried trusting my body, but now it’s like my fears are becoming a reality and there’s nothing I can do about it because I’m too far into recovery now. She told me to stick with this recovery until Christmas, just three more months. I may have been recovering for a while, but I have only just becomenless restrictive and now this dip is backlash from that. She suggested that I ask someone at STEPS for a one off session just to talk through my recovery and thoughts and ask for a little advice on my progress. One thing she stressed to me was I need to STOP WEIGHING MYSELF! I am focusing too much on my weight and it’s only fuelling my ED thoughts. I’m not sure how because I can’t ask my family to help, I just need to do this on my own. Everyone thinks everything’s pretty hunky dory now. I need to make it so.

I made this little guy after I posted. I texted Ruthie too and she helped me alot. I told her that I remember just thinking I want to be better and I thought that one day things would suddenly just be okay, but recovery isn’t like that at all and I just can’t shift this fear. Ive tried trusting my body, but now it’s like my fears are becoming a reality and there’s nothing I can do about it because I’m too far into recovery now. She told me to stick with this recovery until Christmas, just three more months. I may have been recovering for a while, but I have only just becomenless restrictive and now this dip is backlash from that. She suggested that I ask someone at STEPS for a one off session just to talk through my recovery and thoughts and ask for a little advice on my progress. One thing she stressed to me was I need to STOP WEIGHING MYSELF! I am focusing too much on my weight and it’s only fuelling my ED thoughts. I’m not sure how because I can’t ask my family to help, I just need to do this on my own. Everyone thinks everything’s pretty hunky dory now. I need to make it so.

TW

Mentions of numbers and a fair bit of swearing, plus some downright disgusting confessions :(

Ive been havng a few minor ED struggles, mainly restricting around breakfast time and I’m not really sure of the cause. Today I managed a proper Breakfast - Porridge and Toast, but then Lunch was a bit of a struggle because of ED anxieties related to Bread and Sandwiches which I know is ridiculous.

I lay awake for hours last night feeling scared and upset. My BMI is heading even further towards the overweight range (and whilst I know BMI is a joke, the fact remains that I will be overweight because of fat, not because I have a big frame or because I am muscly) and my ‘set point’ is forever moving up and up a few pounds. What if it doesn’t stop? I know, I know that’s just my ED convincing me that I’m going to gain forever, but what if it’s true because it’s certainly looking that way and I am fucking SCARED. Just over a year now. Just over a year of gaining. Sure it may have been inconsistent, faster during some periods and now much slower and steadier, but in some ways that’s more terrifying. My weight’s slowly but surely climbing without any warning or apparent reason. I eat really good amounts generally always in the 2500-3000 region. Binging (or reactive eating sessions) are something I’ve left behind and I don’t exactly restrict. I’m fighting every single fucking day so WHY AM I STILL GAINING? Going by my weight this morning I have gained 64lb. That’s 29kg. I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. Im scared. I am so fucking scared and I don’t know what to do.

Ruthie asked me a question the other day when I text her asking for help. She said “What is it about gaining weight that bothers you?” and I think it’s time to try and answer that now. I think a big thing is that to me being big (therefore gaining weight) indicates weakness and greed. When I was slim people praised me for my discipline and willpower. I felt strong and, I hate myself for saying this, bit sometimes I felt smug. I felt like i was better than everyone else, that I possessed an enviable trait pah! What kind of fucked up mentality is that?!! I even sometimes felt disgust at watching people devour and enjoy their food :( Another aspect, I think, is the fact that I don’t know why it’s happening and there is nothing I can do about it. I guess what I’m trying to say is I am not in control. Of course there is the whole aesthetics thing too, if I gain weight I will look worse.

I don’t know how to end this post. I don’t even know what I’m looking for. I know that it will get easier with time, but with time will come more weight gain and I cannot handle anymore of that.

Todays Outfit, 1st October

Jumper - Vintage Fair
Playsit - Primark
Black Tights - Primark
Black Brogues - Primark (they’re my work shoes hehe)
Watch - Newlook
Necklace - Adam
Bracelets - Primark

Todays Outfit, 1st October

Jumper - Vintage Fair
Playsit - Primark
Black Tights - Primark
Black Brogues - Primark (they’re my work shoes hehe)
Watch - Newlook
Necklace - Adam
Bracelets - Primark

Just to let you know... You're wonderful, keep going. And although recovery has taken different directions for both of us. (6 yrs of hell) I am in such a better place & although I love health and nutrition, I respect your recovery journey too. Smile!

Thank you so much lovely. It means alot that you respect my journey. We may have different ways of living, and eating, but all that matters is that we are following a path that is healthy for US and I think that is something that we all need to remember. We are our own person and we alone know what is right for us (: x x x

Stop this right now

I know what you are doing. STOP IT.
Stop putting it off, stop making yourself busy. Just pull yourself together and MAKE YOURSELF BREAKFAST.
Please.
Please eat Breakfast. A proper Breakfast.
That’s all.
You can do it.
Please

I should be asleep,
I want to be asleep,
But instead here i am
Staring at the ceiling,
Wide eyed,
Awake,
Alert.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Anonymous:
Okay so I don't know if this should have a TW so I'll put one incase :) Have you been in recovery or at least trying to recover since you were diagnosed? I only ask this because lots of people on here seem to have undergone multiple relapses/inpatient admissions because they start recovery properly and this is really getting me down. I feel like if I recover now, incurring no relapses or whatever that I'll seem like a fraud/not sick enough/all that usual jazz...(1/2)

(2/2) I was never seriously underweight and never really looked ill to outsiders. I know ‘not feeling sick enough’ is a sign of how sick you are and everything but I was just looking for people for inspiration to show that relapse does not need to be an inevitable part of recovery. You already inspire me more than you could know. Even if this doesn’t apply to you do you know of anyone who has recovered ‘first time’ as it were. Thank you for being you and always been fabulous xx

Hello lovely. I guess the simple answer to your question is yes. Relapse can be part of recovery, but you are not rendered a ‘failure’ or whatever if you do not incur one. I did get progressively worse post diagnosis, but once I reached the point where my body decided on recovery for me, I haven’t gone backwards. I have experienced a couple of lapses, but nothing so serious that it resulted in weight loss so I have been gaining (and maintaining-ish) since September last year. No recovery is better or worse for experiencing or not experiencing relapse. You are strong and brave no matter what, but please don’t worry about recovering for the ‘first time’. If anything surely you want to get your life back even faster? Trust me, it is worth every second ;)

If there is anyone else in the same position as me – recovering ‘first time’ so to speak please give me a little comment for this dear anon (: x x x

 
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