People are just looking through my archive at my old posts. I haven’t posted anything (:
I’m not going to lie, my heart was literally in my mouth when I started reading this. I thought you were going to tell me the opposite and my head went wild for a second…! But you didn’t and you are right; I AM more beautiful now (You are you are!!!). It’s hard to believe sometimes, especially when I am in intimate situations, but I’m learning. I’m seeing. I’m beginning to appreciate my own beauty :’) Thank you so so much x x x
Hello my little love (: I’m so so sorry to read that you are struggling right now, but I hope that I will be able to offer you some words of advice, reassurance and encouragement that may help you in some way.
First off can I just say how jealous I am of your holiday? :P I cannot WAIT until Adam and I go to the Lake District :’)
Sorry, now down to the important stuff. You say that you have recently developed stretch marks which make you feel ‘disgusting’ which, in turn, makes wearing a bikini a big challenge especially as it triggers SH urges and thoughts of relapse. Let me tell you a secret. I have a whole bunch of stretch marks, mainly around my inner thighs, but also around my butt and my hips too. You know what else? Literally EVERYONE has stretch marks, they are COMPLETELY NORMAL and NOTHING to be ashamed of. We get stretch marks because we grow, because we change, because we develop. In a way they tell a kind of story; for you they are a sign of recovery, for others they could be a reminder of their pregnancy, for most people it’s just a reminder of growing up, of living. It makes me sad that such natural and normal parts of us (like stretch marks) are airbrushed away in society making people feel ashamed because their bodies are not ‘flawless’. You are not a doll, you are not an airbrushed photo which looks completely different to the original, you are YOU. You are an original, unique, with your own body, your own imperfections, your own story. You have scars and moles and stretchmarks and hair, but all of that is beautiful because it is YOU. Unapologetically you and that is NOTHING to be ashamed of.
Your body is incredible. Think about what it’s been through. I’m assuming you are in recovery? Think about the torture it has endured, the struggles it has faced and now it is fighting back. It is becoming healthier, YOU are becoming healthier and so what if youhave stretchmarks? They’re just stretchmarks, that’s all they are! Same as wrinkles and laughter lines and moles and blemishes. You don’t need to look like a doll or whatever to be beautiful, you don’t need to be flawless to be ‘perfect’. You are perfect the way you are.
As for those voices? Tell them where to go! Relapse? Pffft how will that help you? C’mon ED how will that help? … Oh that’s right it won’t will it? Darling relapse will make everything so much harder, it will make you sad and more importantly you will just have to do it all all over again! As for SH, you don’t need to hurt your gorgeous body anymore than you have. Your body deserves care, nourishment, love. Please believe me when I say that hurting yourself will NOT MAKE THINGS BETTER. Don’t get me wrong, you are allowed to feel this way, you must never apologise for your feelings, but you don’t have to hurt yourself. You have come this far, you can go further. I believe in you.
I am always here, and so will your family be. If you get scared it’s okay to open up and let them in. If you cannot talk you can write to them, give them articles to read to help them understand what you are going through. You are not alone x x x x x
Woah okay! I did say in my post that there are areas of my intake that are still really disordered and I do know that my Lunch especially is not good enough, but eating at work is much harder than eating at home, so whilst I know it’s something that I must work on, it does cause a lot of anxiety to think about eating something else.
Perhaps looking back over my food log for today I can see that actuallly what I ate today was actually quite a ‘normal’ amount and I’m so proud of myself because I think I’ve done brilliantly.
I know I have certain areas that are still very controlled for me i.e. Breakfast and Lunch (especially on work days). Maybe it will be a good idea for me to write down the different aspects I need to challenge? Hmmm I feel like it’s quite overwhelming though as there is still so much that I need to change… I’m getting there though, today has proved that.
Thank you! And I did! I swapped my Sausages for Meatballs because I didn’t want to wait 20minutes for the Sausages to cook :’) and then I had a Slice of Bread and Jam too. Feeling VERY full and very warm right now!
I think this is a good point actually - I should try to have Porridge with Milk. I’ve had it twice and it was very creamy, like luxury Porridge! It was really quite… rich (is that the right word?) which was a big change and made me feel a bit sicky, but I suppose that is because I’ve never made it with Milk since I don’t even know. I do agree that the first part of my day does lack in Protein, something which is unfortunately disordered
(to cut calories) so maybe that is something that I should look at changing (I can already hear Kara in my head asking me why I haven’t been including my Chicken - I’m sorry Kara!) because I am often left feeling VERY hungry when I get home from work and I find Afternoon Snack hard at times, again, disordered… BUT I have been challenging all these things :) And I’m learning to be able to actually honour my hunger now (which results in much Bread and Bowls of Cereal :’)).
I suppose it’s all a case of gradually improving and making progress because I know I do have quite a way to go (lots of small changes), but I know that I have also made lots of big changes that I am very proud of and I will continue to improve with each day that passes.
Thank you for your advice :) x x x
May be a bit triggering because I’m mentioning my intake, which still has disordered elements to it
I’m probably overreacting, but I’ve been feeling a bit freaked out by my hunger lately, especially today. Firstly I’ve been getting headaches a lot recently. I used to get headaches a lot when I was ill, but that was because I was restricting badly and my body wasn’t happy etc, but now I’m not. They aren’t the same kind of headaches, they’re not super bad, just there. I’ve gone through thinking it might be because I am dehydrated, but I always have a water bottle with me in my room and I drink enough (yesterday, for instance, I drank 2l at least) and sometimes I think it might be because I’m hungry, but sometimes it’s still present after :/ Are headaches common in recovery even in a stage as late as the one I am in now?
Secondly, my hunger today… I feel like a bottomless pit, but also it’s been uncomfortable too. This morning I ate my Breakfast around 5:30 – 2 Original Oatso Sachets made up with Water and a Large Cup of Tea. I was full, but it also caused me a bit of discomfort. My belly hurt a bit and I was suddenly incredibly bloated. I even had to unbutton my trousers; probably needed an extra 2 inches… But I was already hungry again just before 8 o’clock. How did I get hungry again so quick? I ate my Lunch at 9 – A Salad Bowl with Caesar Dressing, Carrot Bag with Ketchup, a Packet of Chickpeas and another Large Cup of Tea and again by belly felt a bit painful. I then finished work at 1 and again, I was really hungry again hence the Egg Salad Sandwich, Big Bag of Crisps and Ice Cream Cone with a Flake around 2ish. Now it’s almost 5 and I’m HUNGRY again. Part of me thinks I am over thinking this. Is this normal? I don’t know… I feel so scared… Maybe because I don’t usually eat this much, these kinds of foods (like the Sandwich and Crisps and Ice Cream). I know that all this is brilliant progress though, and I am happy, but I could someone just reassure me that I am okay? Is it normal to want to eat this much? Is it even that much? Is it normal for my belly to hurt and get bloated even at this stage in recovery when I’ve been weight restored for quite some time now? It’s not any intolerances or anything like that, and what about the headaches?
Forgive me for all the questions. I need to put my Dinner on – Sausages, Tinned Potatoes, Broccoli, Cauliflower and Gravy… Can’t wait!!!
I guess I was… I find it very hard to look back even now it makes me feel upset in both a good and a bad way… :/ Do you really think I looked like my Sister?!! My Sister is BEAUTIFUL…
But thank you :) I know that I am happy too!