Hello (: I’m Sophie; a 21 year old Performing Arts Graduate (First Class BA Hons!) with unruly hair (and apparently a need to show off a little :P)! Welcome to my Blog!

I am a BIG lover of tea and biscuits and books. A perfectionist with a (sometimes unachievable) need to be the best at everything. I love clothes and shopping and rummaging around charity shops and I am in love with the idea of love, and like to think I am finally beginning discover the beauty of it myself.

I was diagnosed with Anorexia back in April 2013 during my last year of University after struggling with disordered thoughts and behaviours for the majority of my student life. It was something I struggled very much to accept at first - I couldn't possibly be anorexic! - but with time acceptance has come and in turn I have taken my first steps towards recovery. In September 2013 my Eating Disorder tipped itself on it's head as I began binging, or at least what I thought was binging. In reality, it was just my body finally breaking free from my 'control' and taking action to save me. It is something that I
fought long and hard against, resisting for many months, stuck in a relentless binge-starve cycle fuelled by self hatred and guilt. I'm not going to pretend that it's been easy. I, like anyone else, have my good days and bad days, but I am determined to win, to become happy and healthy and that is exactly what I am doing. I have made incredible progress and whilst I still have an awful long way to go, a feat that often seems impossible, I grow closer and closer each day.

My blog, then, is a collection of my thoughts, of my struggles and of my happiness. It’s a diary, an outlet some place for me to post whatever I want or need. If you have any questions, please ask, and if you don’t… please just say hello anyway 
Anonymous:
Thank you so so so much. I spent some time watching YouTube videos and then managed to have a quick bath & wash my hair. The urges are still there, but they're quieter now, a lot quieter. I can't thank you enough for your kind words and your time (I really am sorry for unloading all of this onto you), you've really helped me so much, thank you thank you thank you

Oh sweetheart I am SO proud of you!!! You are amazing! Thank you so much for messaging me to let me know how you are (: Do you think maybe you could keep those skills in your coping bank? Bless you, you are MORE than welcome although there is absolutely NO need to thank me, I’m sure you would have helped me the same if it had been the other way round, right? ;) Keep fighting, I believe in you x x x

Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Anonymous:
TW I didn't do it, I fought the urges but they're still there, they're still in my head trying to make me do it. I'm really sorry to bother you with this but I don't know who else to talk to. The voices make me feel like such a failure for not cutting and it's making me feel worse and worse. I hate this I hate this I hate this. Sorry sorry sorry

My dear, you are not bothering me AT ALL. I am here for you no matter what. But darling, I am SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU! Just putting off cutting for 10 minutes/an hour/2 hours is an incredible achievement, but you managed the entire night!!! That takes an INCREDIBLE amount of strength and bravery and you should feel the same as I. Don’t let those horrible voices tell you that you are a failure because you are FAR FROM IT. Nothing bad will come from this, nothing AT ALL, I promise. You (and others are SAFE)The only bad thing that could come of this is you hurting your beautiful body because you do not deserve to feel the way you are feeling now. 


Do you think you could do a few things for me? Could you make a bit of a plan for tonight? This means films, music, books, drawing, colouring, school work if you have any. And factor in nice things for yourself too. Maybe a nice shower? Plait your hair, paint your nails, moisterise your skin. And finally make a list of a few alternatives to help you to fight against the urge. I know people have various techniques like using pen or ice, I don’t know if that works for you? 


Whatever happens please know that you are loved. Know that you are brave and strong and more wonderful than you could ever imagine. Sending you love x x x x x 

Anonymous:
TW TW TW I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I don't know what to do I really really really need to cut, the urges are so strong, I need to I need to i need to I know I shouldn't but the voices are so loud I feel so shit I just want to cut

Oh no :( I’m so sorry for seeing this so late. Please tell me you are okay? I’m so sorry that you had such a challenging and hard night, but lovely it’s alright. Whatever the outcome of last night you can get through this. If you did hurt yourself please treat yourself with some compassion. First and foremost make sure you clean and cover your cuts, you don’t want them to get infected. Secondly I want you to FORGIVE YOURSELF and understand that in that moment you did all you could to fight it, but it is understandable. Recovery (from ALL types of mental illness) is a process. When you choose to fight you are not suddenly cured, and these set backs will happen, but that DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU ARE BAD/A FAILURE/ANYTHING THAT VOICE TELLS YOU YOU ARE and you most definitely do not have to apologise for having the urges to SH.

I think I know who you are, so please please please let me know that you are okay. You can come talk to me anytime darling and thank you for feelig like you could reach out to me. I am proud of you for fighting against those voices and looking for help. You are so brave and strong and I know that you will gradually overcome this and get better, but like I said, it’s a process and it does take time and that’s okay x x x x x

Monday, July 21, 2014

Recently I was tagged by my ultimate pin up definingsydney to do a six selfie challenge. Well today I started to look through my posts tagged ‘me’ to choose 6 of my favourites to put together for my attempt. I looked real far back, back to earlier this year, back to last Christmas, last Autumn, last August…

It bought with it a strange feeling. I remember this morning I read a post written by the-girl-without-ed about recovery and no longer seeing teeny tiny emaciated girls and protruding bones and feeling a wave of envy and I feel like I am beginning to hit this stage. I looked at some pictures of me and… I didn’t look attractive. I wasn’t special, I wasn’t ‘winning’, I was very very sad and poorly. I remember taking a series of selfies back in September. It was a day that I went to a Carboot with Mum. I dressed up nicely with red lippy and a head scarf and a green dress and I felt really happy about my appearance. I wrote “my smile doesn’t feel so forced today” and I really liked the pictures. I thought I looked pretty and happy. I looked back at them today. I still see the smile and prettiness and happy, but my smile is not completely natural, I am not healthy and free, I am not like I am now.

And this is why I have slightly changed my version of the six selfie challenge. I have picked 9 selfies (and even that was hard to narrow down :P); all of them celebrating and embracing the person I am becoming, the person I am. I can now look at pictures of myself and say that I look like a (sexy!) 21 year old woman rather than an 11 year old girl; I have pretty fabulous( although often unruly) hair; I can eat a Pint of B&J and a whole Pizza (or less if I want to); I can wake up with a genuine smile on my face rather than fearing the day ahead of me, crying before I am even out the door; and more importantly I am learning to embrace my new body, MY body, my REAL body, not one that I am carefully trying to construct for myself.

I can post these selfies with confidence and pride in what I am accomplishing.

The Bristol Hippodrome are looking for FOH staff again… The temptation to reapply is so great right now…

Would that be pointless seeing as I have already been interviewed and they didn’t want me in the first place or?…

Typing ‘Stage Management Internship’ into Google…

I think I’ve made a decision in my own mind as to what direction I want to go in. Now I’m DEFINITELY NOT saying that I don’t want to be a performer because I DO! I LOVE to sing and I honestly cannot describe to you the way doing a show makes me feel, but I know that I am not quite ready to dive into all that right now. I am out of practise, I am scared, I don’t have the confidence to audition and I’m not the best that I can be. I could probably be alright now, but I know that I can capable of being BRILLIANT ;)

Stage Management though, that was different. It felt like it came naturally to me when we had our module at Uni. I suffered with nerves less, it felt less pressured which kind of doesn’t really make sense because all the pressure is on us haha! But I just remember having the best time of my life and I feel excited when I think about the prospect of doing something like that again. I think that is the right direction for me at the moment; working behind the scenes, supporting the show.

I’ve tried out once, I got some feedback and now I will do it again. My CV will be incredible short and dull, but who cares. I can write cover letters to illustrate my personality and enthusiasm. Maybe I will find something, maybe not, but at least I’m trying.

"

It’s horrifying how differently some people treat you when you’re fat, to when you’re not. And when you’re all done up and when you’re just normal. No wonder women are so insecure. I know men are too. But when one is a woman, with all the tools at a modern woman’s disposal, one can literally look like a completely different person from one half-hour to the next.


Even then, you think you don’t look like you should. Sometimes look at billboards of beautiful models, and the real people underneath, and think it’s a bit like if we were on a planet where all the space creatures were short, green and fat. Except a very few of them were tall, thin and yellow. And all the advertising was of the tall, yellow ones, airbrushed to make them even taller and yellower. So all the little green space creatures spent their whole time feeling sad because they weren’t tall, thin and yellow.

"
Helen Fielding - Bridget Jones, Mad about The Boy
"It’s not a big deal that you gained weight. Honestly, in the big picture, who cares? Did you live life the way you wanted to? Did you have fun? Did you find people you love? Did you learn lots of interesting things? That’s probably what you’re gonna care about when you’re at your death bed, not about the fact that you “gained weight” when you were 21."
My 18 year old brother, when i was freaking out about my recovery weight gain.  (via thephilyptian)
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Jealous? You should be because it was DELICIOUS ;)

I ate EVERYTHING. This is what I ate pre ED; 3 Potatoes, as much Gravy as I want, Yorkshire Puddings… This was amazingly good. My Stepdad makes a damn good Roast!!!

Jealous? You should be because it was DELICIOUS ;)

I ate EVERYTHING. This is what I ate pre ED; 3 Potatoes, as much Gravy as I want, Yorkshire Puddings… This was amazingly good. My Stepdad makes a damn good Roast!!!

Yorkshire Pudding Update

Just spotted a 4 pack of pretty big BEEF DRIPPING(?!!) Yorkshires in the Freezer when I was getting a Pita out for Lunch. Looks like I’m going to be having a truly amazing Roast later on :D

Also I’ve been shopping with Mum and got myself some new Tops and 2 more boxes of Cereal(!!!) because my Cheerios are running low and I finished my Frosties last night so I now have some more Frosties and some Rice Crispies. And I’ve FINALLY got myself a door(YAYYY!) and a Memory Foam Mattress. I’ve been waiting to get these things for so long now I’m so happy to finally have them even if I do need to wait a week to be able to get my door hung…

Anonymous:
I'm going to get mcdnoalds today, would you like to challenge it with me?

YEAH ANON YOU GO GET YOURSELF THE BEST MCDONALD’S!!! I’m not going to be able to join in :( BUT I am having a Roast Dinner (Roast Beef, Roast Potatoes, Veggies, Gravy and I want to ask for Yorkshires if the CoOp have them too!!!)

This message made me so happy :’) thank you for inviting me to share the challenge with you. I’m sorry I am not participating exactly, but I am going to make sure I have AS MUCH AS THE HELL I WANT at Dinner. Will you let me know how it goes? Tell me what you have (: Good luck, sweetheart and ENJOY IT!!! x x x

Conquering bad body image and obvious signs of weight gain with the only way I know how: a flowy dress, a bit of makeup and a series of fabulous selfies ;)

"Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time."
Louis C.K. (via aestheticintrovert)
"I am better than I was.
I will be better than I am."
(140/365)
 
Next page