Hello (: I’m Sophie; a 21 year old Performing Arts Graduate (First Class BA Hons!) with unruly hair (and apparently a need to show off a little :P)! Welcome to my Blog!

I am a BIG lover of tea and biscuits and books. A perfectionist with a (sometimes unachievable) need to be the best at everything. I love clothes and shopping and rummaging around charity shops and I am in love with the idea of love, and like to think I am finally beginning discover the beauty of it myself.

I was diagnosed with Anorexia back in April 2013 during my last year of University after struggling with disordered thoughts and behaviours for the majority of my student life. It was something I struggled very much to accept at first - I couldn't possibly be anorexic! - but with time acceptance has come and in turn I have taken my first steps towards recovery. In September 2013 my Eating Disorder tipped itself on it's head as I began binging, or at least what I thought was binging. In reality, it was just my body finally breaking free from my 'control' and taking action to save me. It is something that I
fought long and hard against, resisting for many months, stuck in a relentless binge-starve cycle fuelled by self hatred and guilt. I'm not going to pretend that it's been easy. I, like anyone else, have my good days and bad days, but I am determined to win, to become happy and healthy and that is exactly what I am doing. I have made incredible progress and whilst I still have an awful long way to go, a feat that often seems impossible, I grow closer and closer each day.

My blog, then, is a collection of my thoughts, of my struggles and of my happiness. It’s a diary, an outlet some place for me to post whatever I want or need. If you have any questions, please ask, and if you don’t… please just say hello anyway 

Dear body

bringingbroganback:

I’m sorry I’ve mistreated
Misused and
Abused you

And I’m sorry I’ve cried so hard
Wishing you weren’t
Mine

I’m sorry for the obsessive body checks
Time after
Time

And I’m sorry that I bullied you and
Deprived you of all you deserved

I’m sorry that I’ve punched
Scratched
Grabbed and
Pulled at you

All you ever do is carry me through

Posting leftover train (and bus) selfies from yesterday: transition from excitement to sunset to it’s time for bed ;) Just reminding myself once again just how BRILLIANT I felt.

Anonymous:
What are all these old photos people keep talking about?

People are just looking through my archive at my old posts. I haven’t posted anything (:

Anonymous:
looked thru ur old photos 2, don't want to be offensive, but u look SO much better and more beautiful now than you did when u were stick thin (but u'd b pretty at any weight soOoOoo)

I’m not going to lie, my heart was literally in my mouth when I started reading this. I thought you were going to tell me the opposite and my head went wild for a second…! But you didn’t and you are right; I AM more beautiful now (You are you are!!!). It’s hard to believe sometimes, especially when I am in intimate situations, but I’m learning. I’m seeing. I’m beginning to appreciate my own beauty :’) Thank you so so much x x x

Anonymous:
TW TW TW Sophie I'm really struggling. I'm currently away on holiday with family and I hate having to wear a bikini everyday in front of everyone. I've recently developed stretch marks on my legs and they make me feel disgusting. Seeing them everyday is pushing me more and more towards relapse and the urge to SH is getting stronger and stronger. My family know nothing about this so I can't talk to them. I hate feeling like this, I really don't know what to do, the urges & voices are so strong

Hello my little love (: I’m so so sorry to read that you are struggling right now, but I hope that I will be able to offer you some words of advice, reassurance and encouragement that may help you in some way.

First off can I just say how jealous I am of your holiday? :P I cannot WAIT until Adam and I go to the Lake District :’)

Sorry, now down to the important stuff. You say that you have recently developed stretch marks which make you feel ‘disgusting’ which, in turn, makes wearing a bikini a big challenge especially as it triggers SH urges and thoughts of relapse. Let me tell you a secret. I have a whole bunch of stretch marks, mainly around my inner thighs, but also around my butt and my hips too. You know what else? Literally EVERYONE has stretch marks, they are COMPLETELY NORMAL and NOTHING to be ashamed of. We get stretch marks because we grow, because we change, because we develop. In a way they tell a kind of story; for you they are a sign of recovery, for others they could be a reminder of their pregnancy, for most people it’s just a reminder of growing up, of living. It makes me sad that such natural and normal parts of us (like stretch marks) are airbrushed away in society making people feel ashamed because their bodies are not ‘flawless’. You are not a doll, you are not an airbrushed photo which looks completely different to the original, you are YOU. You are an original, unique, with your own body, your own imperfections, your own story. You have scars and moles and stretchmarks and hair, but all of that is beautiful because it is YOU. Unapologetically you and that is NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Your body is incredible. Think about what it’s been through. I’m assuming you are in recovery? Think about the torture it has endured, the struggles it has faced and now it is fighting back. It is becoming healthier, YOU are becoming healthier and so what if youhave stretchmarks? They’re just stretchmarks, that’s all they are! Same as wrinkles and laughter lines and moles and blemishes. You don’t need to look like a doll or whatever to be beautiful, you don’t need to be flawless to be ‘perfect’. You are perfect the way you are.

As for those voices? Tell them where to go! Relapse? Pffft how will that help you? C’mon ED how will that help? … Oh that’s right it won’t will it? Darling relapse will make everything so much harder, it will make you sad and more importantly you will just have to do it all all over again! As for SH, you don’t need to hurt your gorgeous body anymore than you have. Your body deserves care, nourishment, love. Please believe me when I say that hurting yourself will NOT MAKE THINGS BETTER. Don’t get me wrong, you are allowed to feel this way, you must never apologise for your feelings, but you don’t have to hurt yourself. You have come this far, you can go further. I believe in you.

I am always here, and so will your family be. If you get scared it’s okay to open up and let them in. If you cannot talk you can write to them, give them articles to read to help them understand what you are going through. You are not alone x x x x x

Anonymous:
your hungry as your intake isnt loads, breakfast and lunch is VERY SMALL, lots of low cal stuff

Woah okay! I did say in my post that there are areas of my intake that are still really disordered and I do know that my Lunch especially is not good enough, but eating at work is much harder than eating at home, so whilst I know it’s something that I must work on, it does cause a lot of anxiety to think about eating something else.

Perhaps looking back over my food log for today I can see that actuallly what I ate today was actually quite a ‘normal’ amount and I’m so proud of myself because I think I’ve done brilliantly.

I know I have certain areas that are still very controlled for me i.e. Breakfast and Lunch (especially on work days). Maybe it will be a good idea for me to write down the different aspects I need to challenge? Hmmm I feel like it’s quite overwhelming though as there is still so much that I need to change… I’m getting there though, today has proved that.

"Maybe home is nothing but two arms holding you tight when you’re at your worst."
Yara Bashraheel (via versteur)
Anonymous:
It's completely normal for you to be super hungry some days, I get it and then other days I don't feel like eating much. You have nothing to worry about :) hope you enjoy your dinner!

Thank you! And I did! I swapped my Sausages for Meatballs because I didn’t want to wait 20minutes for the Sausages to cook :’) and then I had a Slice of Bread and Jam too. Feeling VERY full and very warm right now!

Anonymous:
You were hungry again quickly after breakfast because porridge with water won't fill you up. Its pure carbs so will be burnt off really fast. If you added protein to it (I.e. milk) it would keep you full all morning.

I think this is a good point actually - I should try to have Porridge with Milk. I’ve had it twice and it was very creamy, like luxury Porridge! It was really quite… rich (is that the right word?) which was a big change and made me feel a bit sicky, but I suppose that is because I’ve never made it with Milk since I don’t even know. I do agree that the first part of my day does lack in Protein, something which is unfortunately disordered (to cut calories) so maybe that is something that I should look at changing (I can already hear Kara in my head asking me why I haven’t been including my Chicken - I’m sorry Kara!) because I am often left feeling VERY hungry when I get home from work and I find Afternoon Snack hard at times, again, disordered… BUT I have been challenging all these things :) And I’m learning to be able to actually honour my hunger now (which results in much Bread and Bowls of Cereal :’)).

I suppose it’s all a case of gradually improving and making progress because I know I do have quite a way to go (lots of small changes), but I know that I have also made lots of big changes that I am very proud of and I will continue to improve with each day that passes.

Thank you for your advice :) x x x

 

Hunger Advice

May be a bit triggering because I’m mentioning my intake, which still has disordered elements to it

I’m probably overreacting, but I’ve been feeling a bit freaked out by my hunger lately, especially today. Firstly I’ve been getting headaches a lot recently. I used to get headaches a lot when I was ill, but that was because I was restricting badly and my body wasn’t happy etc, but now I’m not. They aren’t the same kind of headaches, they’re not super bad, just there. I’ve gone through thinking it might be because I am dehydrated, but I always have a water bottle with me in my room and I drink enough (yesterday, for instance, I drank 2l at least) and sometimes I think it might be because I’m hungry, but sometimes it’s still present after :/ Are headaches common in recovery even in a stage as late as the one I am in now?

Secondly, my hunger today… I feel like a bottomless pit, but also it’s been uncomfortable too. This morning I ate my Breakfast around 5:30 – 2 Original Oatso Sachets made up with Water and a Large Cup of Tea. I was full, but it also caused me a bit of discomfort. My belly hurt a bit and I was suddenly incredibly bloated. I even had to unbutton my trousers; probably needed an extra 2 inches… But I was already hungry again just before 8 o’clock. How did I get hungry again so quick? I ate my Lunch at 9 – A Salad Bowl with Caesar Dressing, Carrot Bag with Ketchup, a Packet of Chickpeas and another Large Cup of Tea and again by belly felt a bit painful. I then finished work at 1 and again, I was really hungry again hence the Egg Salad Sandwich, Big Bag of Crisps and Ice Cream Cone with a Flake around 2ish. Now it’s almost 5 and I’m HUNGRY again. Part of me thinks I am over thinking this. Is this normal? I don’t know… I feel so scared… Maybe because I don’t usually eat this much, these kinds of foods (like the Sandwich and Crisps and Ice Cream). I know that all this is brilliant progress though, and I am happy, but I could someone just reassure me that I am okay? Is it normal to want to eat this much? Is it even that much? Is it normal for my belly to hurt and get bloated even at this stage in recovery when I’ve been weight restored for quite some time now? It’s not any intolerances or anything like that, and what about the headaches?

Forgive me for all the questions. I need to put my Dinner on – Sausages, Tinned Potatoes, Broccoli, Cauliflower and Gravy… Can’t wait!!!

Anonymous:
I looked through you old photo like you said and oh my god you were so small! Weird though you looked so much like your sister in the face too! I'm happy you chose recovery!

I guess I was… I find it very hard to look back even now it makes me feel upset in both a good and a bad way… :/  Do you really think I looked like my Sister?!! My Sister is BEAUTIFUL…

But thank you :) I know that I am happy too!

I AM AMAZING! THIS IS AMAZING! RECOVERY IS AMAZING!!! I went on a mission to Tesco when I finished work to pick up supplies (Big Porridge Sachets, Carrots and Apples) and be back at McDonald’s before 2 to meet Mum. I was hungry (hunger post to come later btw) and I knew that I needed to have something good, but I also wanted to get an Ice Cream when I got back to Maccy’s. Anyway, I went in, picked up all my stuff and then before I paid I picked up a MEAL DEAL!!! OH YEAH! An Egg Salad Sandwich which I was curious about (not great, but still okay) and a Packet of Salt and Vinegar Walkers again. I also found a Diet Coke with Sophie on it so I HAD to pick it up :P I ate it on the way back and then proceeded to order my Ice Cream too. One very proud, happy (and full!) bunny right now :D

I AM AMAZING! THIS IS AMAZING! RECOVERY IS AMAZING!!! I went on a mission to Tesco when I finished work to pick up supplies (Big Porridge Sachets, Carrots and Apples) and be back at McDonald’s before 2 to meet Mum. I was hungry (hunger post to come later btw) and I knew that I needed to have something good, but I also wanted to get an Ice Cream when I got back to Maccy’s. Anyway, I went in, picked up all my stuff and then before I paid I picked up a MEAL DEAL!!! OH YEAH! An Egg Salad Sandwich which I was curious about (not great, but still okay) and a Packet of Salt and Vinegar Walkers again. I also found a Diet Coke with Sophie on it so I HAD to pick it up :P I ate it on the way back and then proceeded to order my Ice Cream too. One very proud, happy (and full!) bunny right now :D

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

http://thewellofmyself.tumblr.com/post/93235777180/the-sky-looks-like-it-is-on-fire-and-i-couldnt

thewellofmyself:

the sky looks like it is on fire and i couldn’t think of a more perfect end to what has been literally the best day

i wasn’t feeling too body confident this morning and i felt like i’d messed my makeup up, but when i saw sophie in the train station and we ran towards each other none of that was…

ROSIE YOU HAVE MADE ME WELL UP ON THE TRAIN!!! I love every word of this post. I am so freaking happy right now. I don’t think I could agree with what you said anymore. Who cares if our bellies are rounded, or our makeup is wonky or we end up with ice cream on our nose ;) I don’t care about scars or dress size. All I care about is happiness and freedom and life, and when we ran towards eachother and when we both accepted that free sample, ice creams in hand that this exactly what we had
"Practice self love above all"
Important (via laura-the)
 
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