He told me that I need to tell him if I’m not okay. I need to text him back when he texts me when I’m not feeling good just so he knows. I promised him that I would.
Part of me wishes I could have spoke to him properly, but he’s been out tonight and has his mate with him. I feel much calmer now though and I’m going to crawl into bed and try to sleep.
Sorry for being annoying
I’m sat on my bedroom floor wrapped in my duvet. I can feel panic rising and I’m scared. I’m trying to remember techniques but I can’t. I dont know who to talk to because it’s the middle of the night and everyone is asleep and I should be talking to Adam but instead I’m crying and telling him that I don’t want to bring him down by confiding everything in him. He doesn’t deserve all of this horrible mental crap. He deserves so much more than this.
I need to try and steady my breathing but it’s hard. I need to try and be quiet but it’s hard.
Anxiety is gripping me in a way that I haven’t experienced for a while. What is going on with me? How am I letting this happen? I feel sick.
I don’t know how I have the right to say I have no idea why I’m still gaining weight when I continue to overeat. I came home and ate 2 slices of toast with jam and 2 packets of crisps because I was hungry, but then I proceeded to eat over half a pint of ice cream maybe 2/3 maybe more even though it wasnt even that nice and I was done about1/4 of the way through.
Mentions of numbers and a fair bit of swearing, plus some downright disgusting confessions :(
Ive been havng a few minor ED struggles, mainly restricting around breakfast time and I’m not really sure of the cause. Today I managed a proper Breakfast - Porridge and Toast, but then Lunch was a bit of a struggle because of ED anxieties related to Bread and Sandwiches which I know is ridiculous.
I lay awake for hours last night feeling scared and upset. My BMI is heading even further towards the overweight range (and whilst I know BMI is a joke, the fact remains that I will be overweight because of fat, not because I have a big frame or because I am muscly) and my ‘set point’ is forever moving up and up a few pounds. What if it doesn’t stop? I know, I know that’s just my ED convincing me that I’m going to gain forever, but what if it’s true because it’s certainly looking that way and I am fucking SCARED. Just over a year now. Just over a year of gaining. Sure it may have been inconsistent, faster during some periods and now much slower and steadier, but in some ways that’s more terrifying. My weight’s slowly but surely climbing without any warning or apparent reason. I eat really good amounts generally always in the 2500-3000 region. Binging (or reactive eating sessions) are something I’ve left behind and I don’t exactly restrict. I’m fighting every single fucking day so WHY AM I STILL GAINING? Going by my weight this morning I have gained 64lb. That’s 29kg. I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. Im scared. I am so fucking scared and I don’t know what to do.
Ruthie asked me a question the other day when I text her asking for help. She said “What is it about gaining weight that bothers you?” and I think it’s time to try and answer that now. I think a big thing is that to me being big (therefore gaining weight) indicates weakness and greed. When I was slim people praised me for my discipline and willpower. I felt strong and, I hate myself for saying this, bit sometimes I felt smug. I felt like i was better than everyone else, that I possessed an enviable trait pah! What kind of fucked up mentality is that?!! I even sometimes felt disgust at watching people devour and enjoy their food :( Another aspect, I think, is the fact that I don’t know why it’s happening and there is nothing I can do about it. I guess what I’m trying to say is I am not in control. Of course there is the whole aesthetics thing too, if I gain weight I will look worse.
I don’t know how to end this post. I don’t even know what I’m looking for. I know that it will get easier with time, but with time will come more weight gain and I cannot handle anymore of that.
Thank you so much lovely. It means alot that you respect my journey. We may have different ways of living, and eating, but all that matters is that we are following a path that is healthy for US and I think that is something that we all need to remember. We are our own person and we alone know what is right for us (: x x x
I know what you are doing. STOP IT.
Stop putting it off, stop making yourself busy. Just pull yourself together and MAKE YOURSELF BREAKFAST.
Please eat Breakfast. A proper Breakfast.
You can do it.
I should be asleep,
I want to be asleep,
But instead here i am
Staring at the ceiling,
(2/2) I was never seriously underweight and never really looked ill to outsiders. I know ‘not feeling sick enough’ is a sign of how sick you are and everything but I was just looking for people for inspiration to show that relapse does not need to be an inevitable part of recovery. You already inspire me more than you could know. Even if this doesn’t apply to you do you know of anyone who has recovered ‘first time’ as it were. Thank you for being you and always been fabulous xx
Hello lovely. I guess the simple answer to your question is yes. Relapse can be part of recovery, but you are not rendered a ‘failure’ or whatever if you do not incur one. I did get progressively worse post diagnosis, but once I reached the point where my body decided on recovery for me, I haven’t gone backwards. I have experienced a couple of lapses, but nothing so serious that it resulted in weight loss so I have been gaining (and maintaining-ish) since September last year. No recovery is better or worse for experiencing or not experiencing relapse. You are strong and brave no matter what, but please don’t worry about recovering for the ‘first time’. If anything surely you want to get your life back even faster? Trust me, it is worth every second ;)
If there is anyone else in the same position as me – recovering ‘first time’ so to speak please give me a little comment for this dear anon (: x x x