Didn’t sleep too well last night. Kept waking every few hours and I have been led awake in bed for the past 2 hours or so doing nothing except listening to my own conversations with my mind. I can’t wake my sister just yet so I’m just led here too scared to go downstairs to make myself a Coffee because all I can think about is how it will affect the number today. I know im being ridiculous, but the anxiety and fear are creeping in. I’m too scared to think about Lunch although I know I HAVE to eat something (and I will, dont worry) and I am even afraid of Water and Coffee! I know I am being silly, but it still weighs something right which means I will be heavier if I have it. Am I just over thinking this? I’ve never had a weigh in at this time of day before… O gosh why am I panicking? There’s no need to panic!
Please help me. Please tell me everything is going to be okay.
too weak to recover.
too weak to relapse.
why cant it all end?
or better still - why cant it all have never even begun? for any of us.
Oooh Thank you :) Ermmm….
Okay, I like my Hair and my Fashion Sense!
GARBANZO DRY ROASTED CHICKPEAS ARE BACK ON THE HOLLAND AND BARRETT WEBSITE. MY NIGHT IS MADE AND MY LIFE COMPLETE AGAIN!
In some ways I feel like I have wasted today; I should have planned it better, done a bit more but at the same time I suppose I haven’t been completely lazy.
This morning whilst waiting for my Sister to wake I sorted out some of the Kitchen Cupboards and had a general tidy up and I also sorted out my wardrobe – In an ideal world I would have a room big enough to fit another one in!!
I’ve also been able to spend a bit of quality time with my Sister as she is on a close tonight which has just been amazing! We were being a bit silly at times which I think may have annoyed Mum a little (Ooops!) but it was so nice to have a bit of a laugh and a joke and mess around. It was quite a relief actually and I even found myself singing along to Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree in the car (:
Tonight has been rather boring. Mum has been in her chair on her tablet as usual and I have been sat in the Kitchen in front of the radiator with my Bobby blanket to keep warm watching Made in Chelsea and looking all over eBay and other sites to see if I can spot any pretty little gems for myself :D
I am SO excited about tomorrow as my Sister and I are going into Town together to do our Christmas Shopping so much so that I keep forgetting about my CBT session in the middle of the day. If I’m totally honest I am feeling pretty freaked out about it especially the fact that I am going to be weighed. It’s making me very very nervous and I am so scared at what that number is going to be. I have also never been weighed after having eaten or drank anything so I am unsure of how that will affect it and I’m scared about how well I will cope when it comes to Lunch. Thankfully I know what I am going to buy (M&S for sure!) and I know that my Sister will DEFINITELY make sure that I eat so everything will be okay in that sense. I’ve also decided that I am going to treat myself to the new Matchmaker McFlurry after my session – after all Ice cream and Chocolate are both COMPLETELY necessary in helping to lift my mood after plus I have been waiting for a day where I would allow myself one!!
I just want to get into bed now so that it can be tomorrow already haha!!!
Hello little love (: I am okay, thank you. I had an early night to escape from feeling a bit iffy and although I woke up at half four like usual I managed to fall back to sleep for a good few hours :D Today has been better; been able to spend a bit of quality time with my Sister which has been lovely and right now I’m just taking 10 minutes to have a Cuppa! I hope you are okay too, love x x
Wow today has been very tiring indeed although I’ve done NOTHING (As usual!)
I’m no longer worrying about all this warning stuff at work. Nothing happened today, the meeting wasn’t even mentioned, so if McDonalds can’ be bothered to carry out their discipline properly then I’m not bothered either and it is no worth me worrying about!
I did however have to have my break at 8:55. Like what kind of frigging time is that?!! I was back by 9:30 - ergh! Maybe that was why I was so tired by the time it got to the Lunch Time College rushes :/
Other than that things have been okay although my mood feels very low in general. And (I know this is silly!) it hasn’t helped that the Holland and Barrett website only have the Bombay Firecracker Garbanzo packs. What happened to the other two flavours?!!! I wanted to order a massive bunch to take advantage of the BOGOHP and free postage, but apparently they had other ideas. Still didn’t stop me from eating two packets today… oops! I’m going into Town on Wednesday (Christmas Shopping with my SIster!) as I have my CBT Session in the middle of the day so I shall just have to buy all the Chickpeas then!!
Don’t feel like doing anything this evening. I just want to get into bed now, although as it’s not even 7 I can’t exactly justify it!! I have tomorrow off which is a big relief and I cannot wait to have a lie in. And I really can lie in as I don’t have any appointments or anything to be up for - yay! Right now though, it’s time for Tea, Biscuits, Yogurt and my Book :)
The perfect way to end an iffy day <3
This sent a wash of cold throughout my entire body. Oh gosh, I am so sorry :( It makes me feel so sad and upset and angry and frustrated that I am triggering some people. I honestly don’t know what to do, but I cannot apologise enough and if you have to unfollow me, then that’s okay. I’m not going to post my intakes anymore because I think it’s doing more harm than good and I can record them for my own benefit privately.
But I am still binging too. I’m fighting against them by trying to eat more regularly and they haven’t been quite as frequent for the past week or so, but that doesn’t mean that I am magically cured. I still binged on Thursday Night and I strongly suspect that I will binge again because they aren’t just going to stop overnight. Please please please don’t wish for my ‘self control’.
You can stop binging though. You honestly can. It’s just that your body has to learn to trust you again. It has to believe that you are going to give it what it needs to function so that it can relax and doesn’t feel the need to take over the control. This is why I am trying hard to eat something when I finish work, to add in extra food and energy to avoid the huge hunger that comes with not allowing myself to eat until Dinner (and then ending up bingeing)
I cannot apologise enough for being so unhelpful to you. Please put yourself and your recovery first. You deserve a life without your eating disorder x x x
I can’t believe it’s December already!!!!…
So that meeting I was supposed to have with my boss… postponed till tomorrow, but I’m going to be receiving a verbal warning :( I also had a bit of a moment in work because the Manager cashing up my till told me that my till was £15 down, just what I needed to hear after this warning business. He went off to go see if the money was lost in the till drawer or something and I couldn’t hold in the tears anymore. Thankfully he came back with the £15 in hand (it had been put into the cash box?! Not by me, and why would there only be £15 put in there?!!) so everything was alright, but it was still horrible. It was also FREEZING in work today. I was on Window One and I was so so cold. I had my Jacket on and a Jumper underneath and was still cold. My feet were like blocks of ice :( I ended up ringing Mum to ask if she could come pick me up so that I didn’t have to walk in the cold, something which is absolutely HATED but I guess that shows how bad I felt. I was straight in the shower when I got home to try and warm up!
Food wise today has been pretty good. I ate a kind of Roast with the Family and it was really yummy and I gobbled it all up! (Haha I sound like a Turkey!) and I’m going to have something yummy in a minute once I’ve logged off and can snuggle in bed with my book. Just one more day in work tomorrow and then 2 days off! I’m looking forward to a lie in on Tuesday!!