Hello (: I’m Sophie; a 22 year old Performing Arts Graduate (First Class BA Hons!) with unruly hair (and apparently a need to show off a little :P)! Welcome to my Blog!

I am a BIG lover of tea and biscuits and books. A perfectionist with a (sometimes unachievable) need to be the best at everything. I love clothes and shopping and rummaging around charity shops and I am in love with the idea of love, and like to think I am finally beginning discover the beauty of it myself.

I was diagnosed with Anorexia back in April 2013 during my last year of University after struggling with disordered thoughts and behaviours for the majority of my student life. It was something I struggled very much to accept at first - I couldn't possibly be anorexic! - but with time acceptance has come and in turn I have taken my first steps towards recovery. In September 2013 my Eating Disorder tipped itself on it's head as I began binging, or at least what I thought was binging. In reality, it was just my body finally breaking free from my 'control' and taking action to save me. It is something that I
fought long and hard against, resisting for many months, stuck in a relentless binge-starve cycle fuelled by self hatred and guilt. I'm not going to pretend that it's been easy. I, like anyone else, have my good days and bad days, but I am determined to win, to become happy and healthy and that is exactly what I am doing. I have made incredible progress and whilst I still have an awful long way to go, a feat that often seems impossible, I grow closer and closer each day.

My blog, then, is a collection of my thoughts, of my struggles and of my happiness. It’s a diary, an outlet some place for me to post whatever I want or need. If you have any questions, please ask, and if you don’t… please just say hello anyway 
Monday, September 15, 2014

Todays intake 15th September

Breakfast - BIG Bowl of Frosties

Lunch - 1 Slice of Bread with Ham and Mustard, 1 Slice with Jam, 2 pots of Fromage Frai, Apple

Dinner - Chicken Curry and Rice

2 Bottles of Katy Cider plus a 1/2 Cider with Ginger

Snack - BIG Bag of Walkers Crisps plus a Bar of Dairy Milk

May not be the best intake, but this evening has been the best and that dairy milk was perfect!

Ruthie is beautiful and I drank Katy Cider with her and we got a little bit drunk and I cannot wait to meet her again in October when she comes back :’) She is the best and a true inspiration to me. We are very lucky. I am very lucky indeed!

Ruthie is beautiful and I drank Katy Cider with her and we got a little bit drunk and I cannot wait to meet her again in October when she comes back :’) She is the best and a true inspiration to me. We are very lucky. I am very lucky indeed!

ruthiend:

So proud of my beautiful fellow cider drinker gingieee :)

I have had THE BEST NIGHT EVER!!!

ruthiend:

So proud of my beautiful fellow cider drinker gingieee :)

I have had THE BEST NIGHT EVER!!!

I made Dinner

Mum didn’t even say thank you…

When I got home from work today she asked me what I’d done all day, I replied that I had spent the day tidying pretty much. She retorted ‘See, it’s hard work isn’t it? What have you done anyway?’. She probably doesn’t mean it to sound the way I take it, but I am continuously sensitive to every one of her comments. It feels like a slight dig… Same with Dinner, I called to say I was dishing up and Mum came out as I was putting out the Rice, ‘Is that all the Rice you’ve done?,’ she remarked, implying that I hadn’t made enough. I told her that I weighed it out, just over enough for 5 people to ensure there was enough for 4 and then she had the cheek to ask me what I weighed it in saying ‘Did you make sure you weighed the bowl first?’. I’m sorry?!! Turns out there was plenty of Rice, I served myself a bit of a smaller portion because I don’t really like it much (it just tastes like mush to me, maybe we overcook it? Or maybe that’s just how Basmati is? I don’t know), but even so there was nothing wrong with everyone’s portions. And to make it even more infuriating she made a comment as to why I served it in bowls as opposed to a plate. Geez.

Sorry, I know I’m just having a petty moan, but I just had to get it out rather than us having a bad atmosphere at home. I’m going out shortly anyway to meet up with ruthiend again. She’s going to (re)introduce me to Cider!!! I can’t bloody wait :D

I did it!!! And the kettle was boiling just as she walked through the door. Mission accomplished!

"Next time you long to be sick again, remember it was more than just bones and rib cages. You weren’t strong or fragile. You weren’t more beautiful than you are now. There was nothing beautiful about it. You weren’t well."
On wanting to relapse (via blackbirdheart)

gingieee:

I miss this so much it hurts <3

I saved this in my drafts a while back when I was going through a bad patch. There is still an element of truth to it even now because I do miss it: the first paragraph is so so true, but at the same time I know that I have much more to come in my life and I am building the foundations for them now. Even so, this video still makes me tear up. The songs are ‘Sing Sing Sing’ which we danced our famous Jive to and ‘Just Try’ which was written by Lucas and sung by Olivia and Lucas, just listening to it sends a shiver down my spine. Olivia has a beautiful voice :’) GOLD STARS IF YOU CAN SPOT LITTLE ADAM AND LITTLE SOPHIE!

“Reblogging because bloody hell I miss this so so much. I want my housemates back, I want Liv, and Esther and Lotte, and Rosie and Sarah and Steph and Rach and Lauren and Keily and Jess. I miss Sue and David and Paula and Sheila and Julie. My heart aches for them. For walking along South Bank with Liv and Esther feeling SO content knowing that we are so comfortable in each others company, safe in the knowledge that we will be friends forever. For going charity shop shopping with Lotte and getting excited over tea. For Stephs silly comments, for her dizziness and her beautiful voice. I miss my wine nights with Rosie and Sarah and Liv, I miss dance classes with Rosie and Keily and hearing Laurens beautifully sunny laugh. I couldn’t possibly list everything because I could go on and on.

Maybe I need to stop reminiscing and longing for the past. Maybe it’s time to accept that that time of my life is over. It happened and it was AMAZING, but now I need to live the next part of my life. I can continue these friendships into later life. I should get into contact and make an effort. A bunch of us are going to Barry Island in August and I cannot WAIT to be reunited again.”

I must admit

Seeing people’s University posts makes me feel both happy and sad. It’s times like this when I wish I could be back in that kind if setting again. Living with people that I love, away from home, independent, studying something that I love, doing it day in and day out.

This is my morning. Four hours to get the housework done&#8230;

Time to GET ON WITH IT!

This is my morning. Four hours to get the housework done…

Time to GET ON WITH IT!

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Today’s Intake, 14th September

Breakfast - 1.5 Sausage, Egg and Bacon Muffins with Ketchup

Snack - 3 Savoury Snack Eggs, Packet of Crisps

Dinner - Roast Pork, 2 Roast Potatoes, Broccoli, Cauli, Carrots, Peas, Gravy and Apple Sauce plus 2 or 3 glasses of bubbly Wine

Dessert - 5 Fruit Shorties

Snack - Pouch of Minstrels

Now I’m feeling iffy about the Chocolate because I knew that I wasn’t hungry for the full bag. I’d eaten 15-20 and that was enough, but I got carried away and I ate the lot. BUT I know that normal people eat a whole pack of Sweeties in one sitting sometimes, like when Mum eats a box of Malteasers, or my Sister eats a BIG bag of Quavers, or my Stepdad eats several Donuts and that is what I’m telling myself. Today was normal. Normal is bloody brilliant.

Since I’ve been discharged I’ve put on maybe 5-6lb and I haven’t actually freaked too much because I was trying to tap into my rational brain that told me I have taken an even bigger leap in regards to freedom over food and eating what I want therefore it was pretty much expected that my weight may have shifted a bit. However, this yesterday morning I wore my Mom jeans and they felt tighter on my thighs and it scared me a bit. I don’t really know why I’m writing this. I think I just needed to get it out.

My Sister made us Breakfast. Sausage, Bacon and Egg Muffins. Who needs McDonald&#8217;s?!! ;)

My Sister made us Breakfast. Sausage, Bacon and Egg Muffins. Who needs McDonald’s?!! ;)

Yesterday’s Intake 13th September

So refreshingly NORMAL!!! Party food does not have to be scary!

Breakfast - Big Porridge Sachet and an Apple

'Lunch' - 3 Chunks of Wrap, 4 Mini Spring Rolls, at least 2 Garlic Crispy Breads, 3 Satay Chicken Sticks, 2 Slices of Baguette plus a few more bits that I don't really remember.

Snack - A little Piece of Cake

'Dinner' - A Chunk of Baguette with Garlic Pate, 5 Black Pepper Crackers and another Garlic Crispy Bread.

I also drank a whole Bottle of Wine :P

thewellofmyself:

Life is about so much more than food and calories and exercise and any disordered behaviour and YOU are worth so much more than that - your purpose in life is to grow, not shrink.

 
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