How on earth can I be recovering from anorexia (restrictive type) yet COMPLETELY understand my previous reblog? Maybe I just didn’t have an eating disorder at all? My brain knows that this is not true but I just find it so difficult to understand :/ Why am I not like other anorexics? Why did I suddenly struggle with binging (mostly reactive eating I can see now)? Why can I no longer restrict myself to what I did? Others would so easily be able to not eat, but not me. My most common struggle is with overeating now. The answer to me is simple: I am not like other anorexics because I am not one. I never was. But I was? I feel disgusting and horrible and I don’t know why. Why are all these feelings surfacing? Why do I have to be like this?
I don’t even know who you are, but I love you. Thank you for making me smile this evening. You make me happy x x x
Of course I do! Kati is amazing and her videos are really REALLY useful. I haven’t actually watched any for a few weeks, but she proved a very helpful resource for me when I was in early recovery. She’s fantastic :’)
You are so welcome lovely. Recovery is bloody hard and our eating disorders put up a lot of fight. It can be crazy inside our minds, but all of it gets better with time. We just need to fight back continuously and we will make it. I’m always here if you need someone to talk to x x x
You write this like it’s a bad thing… maybe I do take too many, maybe I shouldn’t post them. My head is certainly telling me I’m a vain, pompous, disgusting person, completely contradictory posting pictures of myself when I complain how horrible I feel I look. I shouldn’t clog people’s dashboards with countless pictures of my face, my outfits, me me me. Selfish arrogant vain. But then another part of my mind fights back. What’s wrong with me taking pictures of myself? Is it really such a bad thing to capture momets when I feel good about my appearance, or at least my own face? Sure, it may be pretty arrogant to feel a little glow when I see that someone has liked a picture of me or left a beautiful comment but seeing as I have spent the past 3 or 4 years scrutinising my reflection, working to change various parts, almost killing myself because I wasn’t thin enough, because I wasn’t pretty enough, because I wasn’t good enough because I wasnt enough, I’d say that maybe I should celebrate having the confidence to post ALL these pictures. I should celebrate the fact that I am learning to accept who I am, the size I am MEANT to be not the size I WANT to be. I am trying to appreciate my own beauty, my own body, my own reflection because I am perfect the way I am and I shouldn’t have to change I just need to make my mind see that too and if taking pictures of myself helps me to do that then so be it.
I want to cry at the thought of what I’m going to look like on camera…
I’ve been awake for a few hours now. I’ve eaten half a tube of pringles, a happy hippo and a kinder bueno even though I ate the whole pint of ice cream last night. Not a binge, I just got hungry and ate just slightly too much even though I could’ve waited until breakfast and went back to sleep I didnt and now my mind is very busy plotting and planning. I keep thinking up ways of making myself eat less, just little restrictions not skipping meals, but it’s still not good and not going to happen and it’s pissing me off. Ever since Saturday when I went to the zoo with Adam my body image has been really poor. My thighs are covered with lumps and bumps and my hips and thighs are super wide and it’s like I’ve only just realised how so and it’s a shock even though I know I am bigger in that area and I don’t know why but also since then my belly has been really large. It’s not body dysmorphia, it really is. You know how usually when you wake up in the morning your belly is generally flatter? Mine isnt. It’s just round round round and it’s starting to affect my mood. I’m led in bed on my side and it’s just plopped over just hanging there all taunting and I don’t understand. It’s not even like it’s bloated, it’s soft and squishy and wobbly why is it like this? My ED tells me that it’s because I’ve put on weight, because I’ve gained all this fat, because I binged the two days when i got back, because I’ve eaten too much blah blah. My rational mind knows this is ridiculous and even if I have eaten too much it’s impossible to gain fat like that overnight. I just want my mind to shut down. It’ll be morning before I know it at this rate…
Hello anon, I am so sorry that your head is so conflicted and loud at the moment. If I’m really honest I have to say that I have no idea as to what answer to give you. I’m not a Doctor, or I don’t know you and I don’t know your body, BUT I can give you some little bits and pieces from my own head that came to mind when I was reading your message (:
Firstly I can assure you you are not eating too much. I know I don’t know how and what you are eating but darling if you are concerned that you might not be eating enough then you are most definitely not eating enough. I don’t know what stage in your recovery you are at as to whether you eat by a meal plan or hunger cues, but I will say that you MUST eat AT LEAST 3 meals a day plus snacks. If you want more, or are still hungry for more then please, EAT! Always obey your hunger I don’t care if you just ate dinner if you want more, or you want dessert or whatever you can eat it always (:
Secondly, I am not sure about whether your body is holding on to fat because I don’t know you, I don’t know your body. Your body could be holding on because it’s starving, it could be your metabolism is messed up, but it also could be your EDs influence over your body image telling you that you are. Does that make sense? I am going somewhere with this :P I cannot give you a concrete answer, but I can tell you about my experience? I spent a long period being very bloated, very puffy, very…well fat (although I was not and am not fat!) but as I got better, as I was eating better: eating enough I.e. what I was hungry for rather than what my ED said was enough, eating regularly, eating more freely, disobeying my ED my body seriously did start trusting me more. The bloating went down and although I still get it it really is nothing like it was, my face is not puffy, and my body image (and perception) is better than ever. Of course I still get days, but on the whole my mind is much healthier now.
I guess that what I’m trying to say is stick to eating 3 meals plus snacks everyday eating more if you want more but never less. I don’t care if you are a healthy weight, if you have your period, you still have healing to do. Don’t weigh yourself. It’s hard to ignore the voice in your head at first, but the more you do it the easier it gets.
I really don’t know if I have answered your question, but please, if I can help in anyway at all never hesitate in leaving me a message (: