Hello (: I’m Sophie; a 21 year old Performing Arts Graduate (First Class - Woo Hoo!!) with unruly hair (and apparently a need to show off a little :P)! Welcome to my Blog!

I am a BIG lover of Tea, Coffee and Reading and get far too excited about Grocery Shopping! I am a perfectionist with a (sometimes unachievable) need to be the best at everything. I love Clothes and Shopping and rummaging around Charity Shops and I am in love with the idea of Love, but am yet to discover the beauty of it myself.

I was diagnosed with Anorexia back in April 2013 during my last year of University after struggling with disordered thoughts and behaviours for the majority of my student life. It has been something I struggled very much to accept at first - I couldn't possibly be anorexic! - but with time acceptance has come and in turn I have taken my first steps towards recovery. In September 2013 my Eating Disorder tipped itself on it's head as I began binging. This is something that I have fought long and hard against, resisting for many months now and here I am stuck in a relentless cycle fuelled by self hatred and guilt. I'm not going to pretend that it's been easy. I'm struggling beyond belief. I, like anyone else, have my good days and bad days, but I am determined to win, to become happy and healthy .

My blog then, is a collection of my thoughts, of my struggles and of my happiness. It’s a diary, an outlet some place for me to post whatever I want or need. If you have any questions, please ask, and if you don’t… please just say hello anyway 

I don’t know what time I fell asleep last night, but it was way after my Sister.

I’ve been up for ages.

I feel sick (and now I’m hungry).

I need to wake my Sister up.

I have so many things to talk about today and I’m freaking out about about her hearing all my thoughts…

And I’m being weighed.

Asdfghjkl… I need to get some food…

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Wow wow wow

Karamel Sutra B&J Crazy Core is AMAZING!!

I don’t want to put it back, but instead I’m going to pop it back in the Freezer, finish my to do list and then get it back out again. If that’s not motivation I don’t know what is!!

To Do List

- Journal
- Make Dinner
- Eat Dinner
- Write thoughts down for tomorrow’s appointment with Kara
- Pack stuff for tomorrow (Visiting Adam!!!)
- Shower and wash hair
- Paint nails
- Think about Food and Meals
- Set Alarm for tomorrow
- Have Snack
- Start a new book if I can
- Actually get all this done!!

My Sister wants to come to my Appoitment tomorrow

I said okay, but she would just be sat there listening and she said that was fine, but then I remembered that I was planning to discuss several things including the Chain Analysis of Problem Behaviour Worksheet that I filled out from the weekend before last and was also hoping to mention the fact that my Sister is so damn ARGH!!! (Not her personally!!) and the fact that it’s okay for her to eat whatever, but it’s not okay for me. (For example, last night my Sister ate the other Smartie’s Chocolate Bird that I got her for Easter (and ate the Milky Bar I got her too yesterday) Now there is NOTHING wrong with that AT ALL, but it just narked me that Mum made NO comments regarding that, yet made a comment about me having 2 Mini Lindt Bunnies ‘already’ on Easter Day.

Oh and she also thinks that I should ‘cut down on the Ice Cream’… !! Although I did have a little chat with her today about that and told her that I WANT Ice Cream and I don’t want to restrict myself of it, because I am strangely becoming comfortable with it and she kind of got it and got the link that restricting also leads to binging (although that’s actually not really concerning me at the moment – BIG YAY!!) But understandably she finds it very hard to understand that it’s possible for me to eat a Pint of Ice Cream, or just a Bowl, or 2 Bowls when I wouldn’t eat Potatoes at Dinner yesterday… To be honest I know it’s illogical, but hey an Eating Disorder was never going to be simple!!

Sorry, I’m going off on a tangent, but anyway. My Sister said ‘and you won’t make me sit outside for any of it, I can be in there the whole time’ and I started to tell her that there were things that I needed to discuss and I even told her that I sometimes talk about her too(!!), but AND OMG… she told me she already knows. I knew she knew something, but SHIT.

My Sister’s struggled with Self Harm in the past although I’m not sure if my family are aware of it or not… but I had a suspicion that she knew because I was certain that she saw pictures on my camera from when I’ve hurt myself in the past and I’ve body checked and stuff like that and stupidly I hadn’t erased all the photos. I guess it was a bit more obvious when I had the scratches on my arms from anxiety at work (a bit different, I know) and this was actually something that I told Mum about because she noticed the marks and kept on about them and I couldn’t lie to her (more because I couldn’t think about a reasonable explanation off the top of my head, but still…) and yesterday I tried on a pair of my Sister’s Trousers and she said that she saw the scratch marks on my belly… I had no idea that she saw them :/ FUCK. She said that she’s even spoken to her girlfriend about it because she didn’t know how to approach it… Oh crap crap crap.

So basically she’s coming to my session with me. I’m nervous because there will be a point when I will have to talk about her (awkward!!) but you know what? Maybe it will be good? Because it’s not about HER PERSONALLY, it’s just about jealousy and her body all things that she cannot do anything about!! At least then she’s a bit aware? I don’t know…

Sorry, this probably makes no sense at all, but I feel a bit all over the place and nervous and scared and wah! Breathe, Sophie. It’s okay!!

Anonymous:
Hello beautiful girl :) I hope your doing well today ?

Helloooo!

Well thank you very much :) I am actually doing well today!! Let me tell you a bit about my day…

I woke up around 3/4 o’clock

Got Breakfast at 5 even though I was scared at what my Mum and Sister would say (they were up to go to work)

Went back to sleep

Dragged myself out of Bed

Agonised over Clothes, felt myself getting worked up, eventually calmed down and I picked an outfit for today and for tomorrow and Thursday too for when I am with Ad

Took myself to the Post Office. Posted 5 parcels and Casey’s Letter!!

Had Lunch

Skyped Rosie

Had a Snack

Booked Train Tickets to Gloucester tomorrow

And now I am Singing in my Room :D

YAY! So all in all a pretty okay day. I hope you are having a good day too x x

Anonymous:
I'm sorry if this is triggering! I feel so guilty and like I ate too much! I had four slices of hot bologna and two bowls of cereal. Is this a binge? I really can't tell...

Hello lovely (: I just need to say that I had to google Bologna(!) but I used to eat Polony sandwiches when I was little?! :’) also my nickname was Baloney haha!

But, anyway…. I think it’s not for me to say if you have binged or not, because I guess binging is personal and relative, but if you are feeling like you binged because you ‘ate too much’ then I wouldnt consider that to be a ‘binge’. That isn’t a lot of food at all, and whilst (for me at least) a binge isn’t defined by an amount of food, I just want to reassure you that it’s not. In fact I regularly eat Cereal in the evening’s especially because I get hungry and more too! Would it be helpful for me to share just to give you a bit of perspective? I’ll find a couple of instances because I really want to reassure you that it is okay to eat that much.

Okay, so Sunday night literally JUST before bed (after all my Meals and Snacks) I ate 2 Slices of Bread and Jam, a Bowl of Fruit and Fibre and 2 Digestives because I was HUNGRY. And the day before that I ate 2 Bowls of Bran Flakes at 16:30 because I was hungry and couldn’t wait till ‘Dinner Time’ so just had a Snack and then ate Dinner later.

I don’t want to discount your feelings because I know it’s hard, but I really really do want to reassure you that what you ate is OKAY. In fact it’s more than okay. I’m guessing you were hungry so you ate GO YOU!! Seriously sweetheart, please don’t fret. Hey, I’m here replying at 5:30 in the morning because I woke up at stupid o’clock (like 3/4) and I got hungry and couldn’t fall back to sleep so I’ve just eaten the biggest Bowl of Fruit and Fibre so that I can get back to sleep for another couple of hours.

I’m sorry that I didn’t reply sooner, I must have received this after I went to sleep, but I hope that I have been able to help at least a little bit. Im always here x x x

Monday, April 21, 2014
Anonymous:
Please help me sophie. I think I just binge ate. I had half a box of chocolate fingers and 5 oreos and a bit of chocolate until I came to my senses :(

Darling, its okay. I promise. You are okay.

As I don’t know you or your situation I cannot really say whether or not you have binged in a true sense or whether it was more of a reactive eating thing, but either way, it doesn’t matter.

If you were eating in reaction to restriction then your body really really needed that food. I’m no expert, but my understanding is this: your body really needs energy because it is suffering from a deficit due to you not allowing yourself enough before therefore your body sort of goes into survival mode. It needs that energy and it needs it now and that is why you typically go for sweets and chocolate and stuff because it has lots of energy to replenish that that it was lacking. So your body was doing what it needed to. If you were eating for emotional reasons, then perhaps you can think about the moments that led up to it and try to put your finger on the trigger? This way you can maybe work towards the underlying issues that you are perhaps trying to avoid by binging. I’m guessing that you may have experienced the former though?

I want to reassure you though that you are okay. This food won’t hurt you, it doesn’t make you a bad person or any of the other things that may or may not be running through your head. I want you to try to forgive yourself. It’s really okay, I know I keep saying it, but its true. But more important of all, you MUST NOT RESTRICT OR TRY TO COMPENSATE IN ANY WAY. This will only make it more likely to happen again, but then again, having said that… what you ate really wasn’t a lot of food I PROMISE YOU.

I have no idea if this advice is any good, but please forgive yourself. It’s just food, it will not hurt you. You can and you will move on, it’s okay x x x

Anonymous:
I bet those trousers will look so hot on you babe 😍

You are so kind, thank you!! I hope they fit alright, I really do!!

B&J Raspberry Chocolate Chunk Frozen Greek Yogurt

Because I don’t need to watch how much Ice Cream I eat no matter how much I moan about my clothes not fitting.  I need to allow my mind to recover too, right?

EDIT: IT’S SO GOOOOD!

B&J Raspberry Chocolate Chunk Frozen Greek Yogurt

Because I don’t need to watch how much Ice Cream I eat no matter how much I moan about my clothes not fitting. I need to allow my mind to recover too, right?

EDIT: IT’S SO GOOOOD!
"It’s about time I realised,
that what I put in my mouth
won’t change the words that come out of it
that the appearance of rib bones
will not make me laugh any louder
or any more,
that collarbones
and thigh gaps
and cheek bones
and empty stomachs
will not bring me any closer to
success
intelligence
friendship
or even love,
that a piece of cake
should not have the power
to make me despise myself,
and that
high grades
crazy nights
hard-earnt wages
a smile
should give more pride,
more satisfaction,
than starving myself ever should,
or will.
That there is no secret key to finding joy,
other than realising
that time is not worth wasting,
on living a half life."

Just bought a Pair of Trousers from eBay!!!

I was unsure of what size to get, but got the next size up so that they will definitely fit and they have Belt Buckles so I can always wear a Belt with them too - YAY! They should arrive in the next few days. I hope they look okay… I’m always so nervous when it comes to buying stuff online :/

Here’s a picture of them :)

Proud of myself for being brave (:

 
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