Karamel Sutra B&J Crazy Core is AMAZING!!
I don’t want to put it back, but instead I’m going to pop it back in the Freezer, finish my to do list and then get it back out again. If that’s not motivation I don’t know what is!!
- Make Dinner
- Eat Dinner
- Write thoughts down for tomorrow’s appointment with Kara
- Pack stuff for tomorrow (Visiting Adam!!!)
- Shower and wash hair
- Paint nails
- Think about Food and Meals
- Set Alarm for tomorrow
- Have Snack
- Start a new book if I can
- Actually get all this done!!
I said okay, but she would just be sat there listening and she said that was fine, but then I remembered that I was planning to discuss several things including the Chain Analysis of Problem Behaviour Worksheet that I filled out from the weekend before last and was also hoping to mention the fact that my Sister is so damn ARGH!!! (Not her personally!!) and the fact that it’s okay for her to eat whatever, but it’s not okay for me. (For example, last night my Sister ate the other Smartie’s Chocolate Bird that I got her for Easter (and ate the Milky Bar I got her too yesterday) Now there is NOTHING wrong with that AT ALL, but it just narked me that Mum made NO comments regarding that, yet made a comment about me having 2 Mini Lindt Bunnies ‘already’ on Easter Day.
Oh and she also thinks that I should ‘cut down on the Ice Cream’… !! Although I did have a little chat with her today about that and told her that I WANT Ice Cream and I don’t want to restrict myself of it, because I am strangely becoming comfortable with it and she kind of got it and got the link that restricting also leads to binging (although that’s actually not really concerning me at the moment – BIG YAY!!) But understandably she finds it very hard to understand that it’s possible for me to eat a Pint of Ice Cream, or just a Bowl, or 2 Bowls when I wouldn’t eat Potatoes at Dinner yesterday… To be honest I know it’s illogical, but hey an Eating Disorder was never going to be simple!!
Sorry, I’m going off on a tangent, but anyway. My Sister said ‘and you won’t make me sit outside for any of it, I can be in there the whole time’ and I started to tell her that there were things that I needed to discuss and I even told her that I sometimes talk about her too(!!), but AND OMG… she told me she already knows. I knew she knew something, but SHIT.
My Sister’s struggled with Self Harm in the past although I’m not sure if my family are aware of it or not… but I had a suspicion that she knew because I was certain that she saw pictures on my camera from when I’ve hurt myself in the past and I’ve body checked and stuff like that and stupidly I hadn’t erased all the photos. I guess it was a bit more obvious when I had the scratches on my arms from anxiety at work (a bit different, I know) and this was actually something that I told Mum about because she noticed the marks and kept on about them and I couldn’t lie to her (more because I couldn’t think about a reasonable explanation off the top of my head, but still…) and yesterday I tried on a pair of my Sister’s Trousers and she said that she saw the scratch marks on my belly… I had no idea that she saw them :/ FUCK. She said that she’s even spoken to her girlfriend about it because she didn’t know how to approach it… Oh crap crap crap.
So basically she’s coming to my session with me. I’m nervous because there will be a point when I will have to talk about her (awkward!!) but you know what? Maybe it will be good? Because it’s not about HER PERSONALLY, it’s just about jealousy and her body all things that she cannot do anything about!! At least then she’s a bit aware? I don’t know…
Sorry, this probably makes no sense at all, but I feel a bit all over the place and nervous and scared and wah! Breathe, Sophie. It’s okay!!
Well thank you very much :) I am actually doing well today!! Let me tell you a bit about my day…
I woke up around 3/4 o’clock
Got Breakfast at 5 even though I was scared at what my Mum and Sister would say (they were up to go to work)
Went back to sleep
Dragged myself out of Bed
Agonised over Clothes, felt myself getting worked up, eventually calmed down and I picked an outfit for today and for tomorrow and Thursday too for when I am with Ad
Took myself to the Post Office. Posted 5 parcels and Casey’s Letter!!
Had a Snack
Booked Train Tickets to Gloucester tomorrow
And now I am Singing in my Room :D
YAY! So all in all a pretty okay day. I hope you are having a good day too x x
thewellofmyself, I love you <3
Hello lovely (: I just need to say that I had to google Bologna(!) but I used to eat Polony sandwiches when I was little?! :’) also my nickname was Baloney haha!
But, anyway…. I think it’s not for me to say if you have binged or not, because I guess binging is personal and relative, but if you are feeling like you binged because you ‘ate too much’ then I wouldnt consider that to be a ‘binge’. That isn’t a lot of food at all, and whilst (for me at least) a binge isn’t defined by an amount of food, I just want to reassure you that it’s not. In fact I regularly eat Cereal in the evening’s especially because I get hungry and more too! Would it be helpful for me to share just to give you a bit of perspective? I’ll find a couple of instances because I really want to reassure you that it is okay to eat that much.
Okay, so Sunday night literally JUST before bed (after all my Meals and Snacks) I ate 2 Slices of Bread and Jam, a Bowl of Fruit and Fibre and 2 Digestives because I was HUNGRY. And the day before that I ate 2 Bowls of Bran Flakes at 16:30 because I was hungry and couldn’t wait till ‘Dinner Time’ so just had a Snack and then ate Dinner later.
I don’t want to discount your feelings because I know it’s hard, but I really really do want to reassure you that what you ate is OKAY. In fact it’s more than okay. I’m guessing you were hungry so you ate GO YOU!! Seriously sweetheart, please don’t fret. Hey, I’m here replying at 5:30 in the morning because I woke up at stupid o’clock (like 3/4) and I got hungry and couldn’t fall back to sleep so I’ve just eaten the biggest Bowl of Fruit and Fibre so that I can get back to sleep for another couple of hours.
I’m sorry that I didn’t reply sooner, I must have received this after I went to sleep, but I hope that I have been able to help at least a little bit. Im always here x x x
Darling, its okay. I promise. You are okay.
As I don’t know you or your situation I cannot really say whether or not you have binged in a true sense or whether it was more of a reactive eating thing, but either way, it doesn’t matter.
If you were eating in reaction to restriction then your body really really needed that food. I’m no expert, but my understanding is this: your body really needs energy because it is suffering from a deficit due to you not allowing yourself enough before therefore your body sort of goes into survival mode. It needs that energy and it needs it now and that is why you typically go for sweets and chocolate and stuff because it has lots of energy to replenish that that it was lacking. So your body was doing what it needed to. If you were eating for emotional reasons, then perhaps you can think about the moments that led up to it and try to put your finger on the trigger? This way you can maybe work towards the underlying issues that you are perhaps trying to avoid by binging. I’m guessing that you may have experienced the former though?
I want to reassure you though that you are okay. This food won’t hurt you, it doesn’t make you a bad person or any of the other things that may or may not be running through your head. I want you to try to forgive yourself. It’s really okay, I know I keep saying it, but its true. But more important of all, you MUST NOT RESTRICT OR TRY TO COMPENSATE IN ANY WAY. This will only make it more likely to happen again, but then again, having said that… what you ate really wasn’t a lot of food I PROMISE YOU.
I have no idea if this advice is any good, but please forgive yourself. It’s just food, it will not hurt you. You can and you will move on, it’s okay x x x
You are so kind, thank you!! I hope they fit alright, I really do!!
I was unsure of what size to get, but got the next size up so that they will definitely fit and they have Belt Buckles so I can always wear a Belt with them too - YAY! They should arrive in the next few days. I hope they look okay… I’m always so nervous when it comes to buying stuff online :/
Here’s a picture of them :)
Proud of myself for being brave (: