Hello (: I’m Sophie; a 21 year old Performing Arts Graduate (First Class - Woo Hoo!!) with unruly hair (and apparently a need to show off a little :P)! Welcome to my Blog!

I am a BIG lover of Tea, Coffee and Reading and get far too excited about Grocery Shopping! I am a perfectionist with a (sometimes unachievable) need to be the best at everything. I love Clothes and Shopping and rummaging around Charity Shops and I am in love with the idea of Love, but am yet to discover the beauty of it myself.

I was diagnosed with Anorexia back in April 2013 during my last year of University after struggling with disordered thoughts and behaviours for the majority of my student life. It has been something I struggled very much to accept at first - I couldn't possibly be anorexic! - but with time acceptance has come and in turn I have taken my first steps towards recovery. In September 2013 my Eating Disorder tipped itself on it's head as I began binging. This is something that I have fought long and hard against, resisting for many months now and here I am stuck in a relentless cycle fuelled by self hatred and guilt. I'm not going to pretend that it's been easy. I'm struggling beyond belief. I, like anyone else, have my good days and bad days, but I am determined to win, to become happy and healthy .

My blog then, is a collection of my thoughts, of my struggles and of my happiness. It’s a diary, an outlet some place for me to post whatever I want or need. If you have any questions, please ask, and if you don’t… please just say hello anyway 

Just some thoughts

I know that by posting occasional pictures of my food and such I am opening myself up to questions and comments, and perhaps I do get a little defensive at times. But I just want to say that I AM IN RECOVERY. I’m not recovered. Nowhere NEAR. I still have a billion things to work on and that’s going to take time, but I just want to say that that’s okay.

It’s okay that I still have all these things that I have to face, because at least I am honest enough to admit to myself that I do need to work on them and that is something that I AM doing. I’m just doing it at a pace that is right for me. I don’t need anyone else’s approval except mine, right? Kara supports me and is working with me and that’s what matters. I won’t overcome these fears overnight, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t in the future.

Look at what I have already achieved? Binging (or what I consider binging) is no longer as troublesome as it once was, probably because I am FEEDING MYSELF MORE. My intakes are miles better than when I first started CBT, hell they are 10x better than a couple of months ago! BREAKFAST NOW EXISTS! Bread, Biscuits, Cereal, ICE CREAM – They are all REGULAR features in my Food Logs and this isn’t even including regaining some life back in Eyes, and bounciness in my Hair and let’s not forget PERIODS and BOOBS (even if I do resent them right now)!!

Can we remember that we are all facing anxieties and fears and overcoming our demons in some way each and every day? Some of these achievements may be small to others, but to the challenger they are huge. None of us is fully aware of another’s situation but at the same time, we cannot expect to be. I mean, I’m not even fully aware of my own!! I still get conflicted as to whether or not a thought is my own or if I am driven by my ED and I admit that, but I’m learning.

I am doing what is right for ME. Recovery is a personal thing. It’s not a ‘one size fits all’. What works for another person won’t necessarily work for you.               

So yes, there is so much more that I need to do, I am still disordered, I am still ill, but I’m fighting and as needy as this is, I would appreciate it if people could recognise that a little more. Not just for me, but for everyone else too <3

Anonymous:
The end slice= THE BEST. My family skips it and I'm in heaven!!

Haha I know right?!! I can’t believe I used to HATE it! Crusts were ERGH!! but now… oooh they’re good, like tougher(?) and chewy and… just YUM!!

Anonymous:
im scared of white bread how is it not a fear???

Darling, there are so many things I would like to address right now.

Firstly, White Bread does make me anxious (Bread makes me anxious, but White Bread more so) ESPECIALLY eating it for Lunch too so posting that was kind of documenting an achievement for me in a way.

Secondly, it’s something that I’ve had to conquer fairly soon because my family don’t buy Wholemeal. And whilst I do like the taste of Wholemeal, I also like how White Bread is deliciously fluffy and soft and I ate White Bread Pre ED so… I’ve just kinda forced myself

Thirdly, I’m going to sound like a hypocrite here - me with my HUGE list of stupid fears and rules - but food is NOTHING to be scared of. It’s food. It’s energy, it’s sustenance. It keeps you alive (and tastes good ;)) Sometimes, I find facts help to fight back against fears. For instance, Carbs are a BIG fear for me, even now when I am tackling it, but Rosie always reminds me that Carbs are the only source of energy that our Brains can use. We NEED Carbs to make our Brains function!

Finally, I would just like to say that our EDs are not logical. Fear Foods don’t always make sense. Can I give you an example? My Fear Food List contains a lot of the likely suspects, but it also features Peas, Sweetcorn and Bananas… It’s ridiculous!

You will be able to conquer your fear like I am doing :) It is possible, I promise x x x

Anonymous:
How on earth do you meet mm guideline minimums when you're porridge breakfast pots are 200 calories or less?

Firstly, I don’t actually follow the MM guidelines, BUT I do think they are BRILLIANT and I use them as inspiration in my Recovery.

Secondly, how do you know that was all I had? I know it’s not exactly lots more, but I had a Pear too… I don’t have to picture everything that goes into my mouth. I’ve been there, done that and it was frankly annoying and embarrassing.

Thirdly, my Porridge Pots are NOT less than 200 calories and so what if they were. These Porridge Pots and ‘Porridge Week’ is about me CHALLENGING MY FEARS. It’s about me having a PROPER Porridge Pot, Porridge made with MILK (essentially) and not just an average Sachet made up with Water.

Forthly(?), if I WAS doing MM, it would be PERFECTLY possible for me to reach minimums even if my Breakfast was small. I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but 3000 calories ISN’T tonnes of food and I’m pretty sure I could hit that if I wasn’t such a coward. Well actually, I’m pretty certain I have hit that a number of times, and more!

Finally, I’m sorry for being such a defensive bitch

(And I’m just waiting for the Anon’s saying ‘if it’s so easy to reach 3000, why don’t you do it everyday…)

Anonymous:
I'm a bread and jam fan myself but that looks like jammy water?! Have you just spread it really thin or something, yack

It’s just Strawberry Jam?!! I might not have as much as you have, but I don’t want any more. We all have our own preferences, Anon

Bread and Jam is my favourite thing at the moment. I can&#8217;t get enough! ESPECIALLY when it&#8217;s a brand new Loaf so I can nab the end slice :P

Bread and Jam is my favourite thing at the moment. I can’t get enough! ESPECIALLY when it’s a brand new Loaf so I can nab the end slice :P

Anonymous:
EAT

This anon reminds me of laura-the :’)

Okay!!! I’m going to get Lunch :D

Thank you. Sometimes permission is just what I need, however disordered that may be :/ <3

Anonymous:
katieshappinessx eats a pint of ic e cream every day it's normal!

And Katie is FANTASTIC!!

It’s not that I think Ice Cream is bad, it’s that my ED thinks it’s bad and therefore eating it 3 days in a row is challenging it big time! Especially when I have been eating Chocolate and Biscuits too!!

I think, and I am probably at risk of offending a billion people here, that what we have to remember is perhaps eating a Pint everyday or most days is normal to US (because we are recovering) it’s not necessarily normal to the general population. Sure, I think it’s perfectly normal to eat Ice Cream whenever you want’ sometimes it will be twice in one day, or a whole Pint one evening. It could be everyday for 2 weeks and then it could be none at all for a whole month. And I think THAT is what I am comparing myself to if that makes sense. Not within the recovery community, but within my life in general. For us guys it’s perfectly understandable as to why a lot of us are eating Pints of Ice Cream (and others have different cravings and desires and that’s perfectly good too!!) but for people who don’t necessarily understand it’s not exactly normal.

I don’t know :/ I think it’s just a combination of fear or what is ‘socially accepted’, fear of challenging my ED, and fear of what others think of me…

But thank you ever so much for your reassurance - I will continue to eat Ice Cream until it becomes more ‘normal’ to me and not some magical wonderfulness (although it will always be that) that is exaggerated and craved because it has been ‘forbidden’ for too long.

I need to pee…

I’m out of bed!

I don’t feel like I can face the world today

I’m still in bed
I can’t find the motivation to shower. I dont want to shower. What’s the point?
I’m on my stupid period
The tops of my thighs are aching and it’s slowly spreading
The thought of clothes makes me want to cry
I need to finish tidying the kitchen
I NEED to sweep my floor, I need to tidy my room
The thought of mess is niggling
But I can’t get out of bed
I want to finish my book today
I can feel breakfast up around my throat
I’m home alone
This doesn’t usually bother me
I hate periods
I’m scared because I used to experience really scary horrible effects with them and I don’t want to get that pain again
I’ve already eaten 3 out of the 5 Ice Cream items I bought on Sunday. I’m scared of my ED, but I’m also scared at what my family will say
I need to get out of bed
Please Soph, just get dressed
Tidy the Kitchen
Move

"For the times you are tempted to go back to being sick, remember the way you felt when you laid awake in bed listening to your heartbeat. Remember the way it beat slowly, the way you felt it screaming through your neck begging for sustenance. Begging for life. For food. For nourishment. That was you body’s way of whispering desperation and fear."
Things in my journal  (via oddi-tea)
Tuesday, April 15, 2014

thewellofmyself:

I’ve decided that even if I do look like a potato that’s okay. Potatoes come in all shapes and sizes too, and they all taste yummy, so even potatoes are beautiful from the inside out. I’m on a journey to discover what kind of potato I am whilst remembering that the shape of said potato doesn’t define me.

This is why Rosie is my hero <3 x x

Anonymous:
day 2 of what sorry?

Porridge Week, of course!!!

See my previous posts for an explanation (:

 
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