Hello (: I’m Sophie; a 21 year old Performing Arts Graduate (First Class BA Hons!) with unruly hair (and apparently a need to show off a little :P)! Welcome to my Blog!

I am a BIG lover of tea and biscuits and books. A perfectionist with a (sometimes unachievable) need to be the best at everything. I love clothes and shopping and rummaging around charity shops and I am in love with the idea of love, and like to think I am finally beginning discover the beauty of it myself.

I was diagnosed with Anorexia back in April 2013 during my last year of University after struggling with disordered thoughts and behaviours for the majority of my student life. It was something I struggled very much to accept at first - I couldn't possibly be anorexic! - but with time acceptance has come and in turn I have taken my first steps towards recovery. In September 2013 my Eating Disorder tipped itself on it's head as I began binging, or at least what I thought was binging. In reality, it was just my body finally breaking free from my 'control' and taking action to save me. It is something that I
fought long and hard against, resisting for many months, stuck in a relentless binge-starve cycle fuelled by self hatred and guilt. I'm not going to pretend that it's been easy. I, like anyone else, have my good days and bad days, but I am determined to win, to become happy and healthy and that is exactly what I am doing. I have made incredible progress and whilst I still have an awful long way to go, a feat that often seems impossible, I grow closer and closer each day.

My blog, then, is a collection of my thoughts, of my struggles and of my happiness. It’s a diary, an outlet some place for me to post whatever I want or need. If you have any questions, please ask, and if you don’t… please just say hello anyway 

Sorry, I don’t know why I am thinking like this. I guess for the past few days I have been feeling really frustrated. Bad body image and a really rounded belly (which I don’t know the reason for - bad eating?!!) has been proving quite hard for me and although I am dealing with it actually quite well I think I still find I have thoughts creeping in. I’ll see a girl who is small and slim and I’ll get this intense rush of longing to be thin and dainty and waif like and I think that is the kind of stereotypical anorexic thing you know. Like anorexia is seen as a more desired ED to have in a way, when I know that every ED is as disgusting and heart breaking and messy and life ruining as the other, but I can’t help that longing. As much as I wish I didn’t think this way I do.

I also weirdly had a dream about Kara the other night. Well, not about her, she was just in it. There was some kind of attack and panic and we all had to escape and get to somewhere safe and she was with a client and I saw her and I tried to say hi and talk to her but when I approached her she just blanked me and acted like I didn’t exist and the dream really upset me and since then I have been having little thoughts about her again and remembering her and it’s kind of sad. It makes my heart ache a tiny bit :/

However, I am a long way into my recovery now. I am past that darkness and I am NOT going back it’s just not an option no way. I will not dwell on these thoughts because it’s just the poorly part of my brain just raring up and I’m better than that, I’m headed for more than a life revolving around food and numbers and my body.

food-is-glorious and thewellofmyself thank you both for the messages you sent me. I am too tired to message back, but I just want to say that you are wonderful and your support means so much to me.

Sometimes I think my eating disorder is all a lie

How on earth can I be recovering from anorexia (restrictive type) yet COMPLETELY understand my previous reblog? Maybe I just didn’t have an eating disorder at all? My brain knows that this is not true but I just find it so difficult to understand :/ Why am I not like other anorexics? Why did I suddenly struggle with binging (mostly reactive eating I can see now)? Why can I no longer restrict myself to what I did? Others would so easily be able to not eat, but not me. My most common struggle is with overeating now. The answer to me is simple: I am not like other anorexics because I am not one. I never was. But I was? I feel disgusting and horrible and I don’t know why. Why are all these feelings surfacing? Why do I have to be like this?

Anonymous:
Is it appropriate to ask what a 10,000 calorie binge looks like? I have ANR so I don't understand bingeing but sounds really scary!

calorie-shmalorie:

**TW***

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Anonymous:
You take A LOT of pictures of yourself... and it's AWESOME!!! Love seeing your beautiful self pop up in my feed, especially the happy ones because they make me happy too! xxx

I don’t even know who you are, but I love you. Thank you for making me smile this evening. You make me happy x x x

I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t believe I did this. I’m not sure it was entirely the best thing to do (because of not being hungry rather than anything else) but I did it anyway. I bought cake and coffee. A hazelnut latte and a slice of cappuccino cake. I’m so full, I can feel my stomach is pretty distended, but I’m not crying. I’m not crying because I feel like I did something good even if t wasn’t in the best way. The thought of trying the cakes popped into my head, I’ve never got one before with the exception o a skinny blueberry muffin from starbucks 3 or 4 years ago and I just did it. The words just came out my mouth and before I knew it there it was. I have a revelation though. I don’t know if you remember me talking about when I had McDonald’s it wasn’t anything special well that’s how I felt about this too. It was nice, don’t get me wrong, but it’s no longer like a sacred thing. I don’t know if I’m making sense, but I guess it’s like because I’m healing, (‘forbidden’)foods are no longer something of my dreams you know?

I couldn’t be more thankful for my uniform though, my favourite bit is the waistcoat simply because it covers my belly and makes me feel a bit more comfortable. I feel smart, sophisticated, grown up. Sorry, I know, another selfie!!! Apparently I just can’t help myself…

Anonymous:
omg, I see that you follow Kati Morton as well!!:DD

Of course I do! Kati is amazing and her videos are really REALLY useful. I haven’t actually watched any for a few weeks, but she proved a very helpful resource for me when I was in early recovery. She’s fantastic :’)

Anonymous:
 Thank you for ur advice sorry I didnt really give you much to go on hehe I was just fed up with the voices basically making me feel like im scum of the earth just needed to hear iv got to still heal and eat even with my period returning and just let my body do what it has to do i just have to stop over thinking every thing and weighing and looking in the mirror as it never helps thank you for letting me know the swelling and bloating do get better thank you for reading and writing back xxxx

You are so welcome lovely. Recovery is bloody hard and our eating disorders put up a lot of fight. It can be crazy inside our minds, but all of it gets better with time. We just need to fight back continuously and we will make it. I’m always here if you need someone to talk to x x x

Anonymous:
You take A LOT of pictures of yourself!!

You write this like it’s a bad thing… maybe I do take too many, maybe I shouldn’t post them. My head is certainly telling me I’m a vain, pompous, disgusting person, completely contradictory posting pictures of myself when I complain how horrible I feel I look. I shouldn’t clog people’s dashboards with countless pictures of my face, my outfits, me me me. Selfish arrogant vain. But then another part of my mind fights back. What’s wrong with me taking pictures of myself? Is it really such a bad thing to capture momets when I feel good about my appearance, or at least my own face? Sure, it may be pretty arrogant to feel a little glow when I see that someone has liked a picture of me or left a beautiful comment but seeing as I have spent the past 3 or 4 years scrutinising my reflection, working to change various parts, almost killing myself because I wasn’t thin enough, because I wasn’t pretty enough, because I wasn’t good enough because I wasnt enough, I’d say that maybe I should celebrate having the confidence to post ALL these pictures. I should celebrate the fact that I am learning to accept who I am, the size I am MEANT to be not the size I WANT to be. I am trying to appreciate my own beauty, my own body, my own reflection because I am perfect the way I am and I shouldn’t have to change I just need to make my mind see that too and if taking pictures of myself helps me to do that then so be it.

I took these selfies yesterday because I felt good about my face when I woke up. That feeling was real, maybe didn’t last long, but it was real. That feeling will come back. Bad body days are hard, bad body weeks are harder, but I am tougher. I will accept these feelings but I will recognise that they will pass. I will recognise that recovery is a series of ups and downs. With our triumphs come hardships. We have good days and bad days, but all that matters is that we hold on, we keep fighting, we may not move forward everyday but we don’t go back. Because going back is far worse. It’s not even an option for me.

"It’s not a big deal that you gained weight. Honestly, in the big picture, who cares? Did you live life the way you wanted to? Did you have fun? Did you find people you love? Did you learn lots of interesting things? That’s probably what you’re gonna care about when you’re at your death bed, not about the fact that you “gained weight” when you were 21."
My 18 year old brother, when i was freaking out about my recovery weight gain.  (via thephilyptian)

I’ve been awake for a few hours now. I’ve eaten half a tube of pringles, a happy hippo and a kinder bueno even though I ate the whole pint of ice cream last night. Not a binge, I just got hungry and ate just slightly too much even though I could’ve waited until breakfast and went back to sleep I didnt and now my mind is very busy plotting and planning. I keep thinking up ways of making myself eat less, just little restrictions not skipping meals, but it’s still not good and not going to happen and it’s pissing me off. Ever since Saturday when I went to the zoo with Adam my body image has been really poor. My thighs are covered with lumps and bumps and my hips and thighs are super wide and it’s like I’ve only just realised how so and it’s a shock even though I know I am bigger in that area and I don’t know why but also since then my belly has been really large. It’s not body dysmorphia, it really is. You know how usually when you wake up in the morning your belly is generally flatter? Mine isnt. It’s just round round round and it’s starting to affect my mood. I’m led in bed on my side and it’s just plopped over just hanging there all taunting and I don’t understand. It’s not even like it’s bloated, it’s soft and squishy and wobbly why is it like this? My ED tells me that it’s because I’ve put on weight, because I’ve gained all this fat, because I binged the two days when i got back, because I’ve eaten too much blah blah. My rational mind knows this is ridiculous and even if I have eaten too much it’s impossible to gain fat like that overnight. I just want my mind to shut down. It’ll be morning before I know it at this rate…

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Finally on my way home from work. I was supposed to get the bus at 22:12, so was happy that I got out at 5 past, but the bloody bus didn’t turn up which meant waiting another 30minutes for the next one!

Anyway, I worked a double shift today - matinee and evening. I headed into the centre this morning with my Sister and around 1 I thought id better get some food before I had to start work. It was raining so we ran into the first cafe we found and I made myself choose something to eat there. I opted for a falafel flatbread which was basically just a pizza base which I found odd. It wasn’t the nicest thing I’ve eaten but it wasn’t bad and I’m so glad to say that anxiety is getting so much better when it comes to food especially when I have to eat out which is just fantastic. I also got a hazelnut latte which was delicious and I noticed when I had started drinking it that I had given no thought at all as to what milk it was made with!

During the short break between shows I left the theatre to get some air and opted for my SECOND hazelnut latte of the day. This time I chose an iced one from cafe nero and ate my dinner before my next shift began.

I had a snack when I finished, but I am really feeling something else when I’m home. Hmmm, maybe I could open that pint of cookie dough… ;)

Anonymous:
this is my brain. your eating to much. your not eating enough. your holding onto fat because your not eating enough your slowing your metabolism I am so confused and don't know what to do. I am scared. I just feel I am doing things wrong I just want my body to be healthy but at the minute I am holding fat on my stomach is this because iv gained to much or is it holding onto fat still? or is it all a lie I am at a healthy weight and have my period back so why don't my body trust me still x

Hello anon, I am so sorry that your head is so conflicted and loud at the moment. If I’m really honest I have to say that I have no idea as to what answer to give you. I’m not a Doctor, or I don’t know you and I don’t know your body, BUT I can give you some little bits and pieces from my own head that came to mind when I was reading your message (:

Firstly I can assure you you are not eating too much. I know I don’t know how and what you are eating but darling if you are concerned that you might not be eating enough then you are most definitely not eating enough. I don’t know what stage in your recovery you are at as to whether you eat by a meal plan or hunger cues, but I will say that you MUST eat AT LEAST 3 meals a day plus snacks. If you want more, or are still hungry for more then please, EAT! Always obey your hunger I don’t care if you just ate dinner if you want more, or you want dessert or whatever you can eat it always (:

Secondly, I am not sure about whether your body is holding on to fat because I don’t know you, I don’t know your body. Your body could be holding on because it’s starving, it could be your metabolism is messed up, but it also could be your EDs influence over your body image telling you that you are. Does that make sense? I am going somewhere with this :P I cannot give you a concrete answer, but I can tell you about my experience? I spent a long period being very bloated, very puffy, very…well fat (although I was not and am not fat!) but as I got better, as I was eating better: eating enough I.e. what I was hungry for rather than what my ED said was enough, eating regularly, eating more freely, disobeying my ED my body seriously did start trusting me more. The bloating went down and although I still get it it really is nothing like it was, my face is not puffy, and my body image (and perception) is better than ever. Of course I still get days, but on the whole my mind is much healthier now.

I guess that what I’m trying to say is stick to eating 3 meals plus snacks everyday eating more if you want more but never less. I don’t care if you are a healthy weight, if you have your period, you still have healing to do. Don’t weigh yourself. It’s hard to ignore the voice in your head at first, but the more you do it the easier it gets.

I really don’t know if I have answered your question, but please, if I can help in anyway at all never hesitate in leaving me a message (:

 
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